Finance

HEAVEN—As part of an ongoing restoration project in heaven, the streets of gold in the place of eternal peace with God are soon to be replaced with Dogecoin. Construction machines began moving throughout the heavenly city, tearing up…

Biden Unveils Ambitious Plan To Pay National Debt By Capturing A Leprechaun And Using His Gold WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid concerns that the national debt may be spiraling out of control, Biden calmed fears in a statement that he has a plan to…

Bitcoin Crashes As Millions Cash Out To Invest In Dr. Seuss Books U.S.—Millions are selling off their Bitcoin in order to invest in Dr. Seuss books, financial analysts are confirming today, leading to a major crash in the cryptocurrency.…

Nation Looks Forward To Glorious Future Where Every Business In Town Is Owned By Walmart Or Amazon U.S.—The entire country is reportedly looking forward to a glorious future in which all culture and economic activity in society is owned by…

The recent flurry of activity surrounding retail investors and the GameStop stock have shone a spotlight on stock trading apps like Robinhood, which have been the subject of both recent criticism and praise. The Onion explains how stock…

After just the first month, 2021 has already been defined by politically inspired riots, revolts against the so-called elite hedge-fund class, and an increasingly influential meme culture driven by a population largely stuck at home over…

Merriam-Webster Changes Definition Of ‘White Supremacist’ To ‘Anyone Who Wins In The Stock Market When They’re Not Supposed To’ SPRINGFIELD, MA—WallStreetBets has been banned from Reddit and Discord after conspiring to make money on the…

U.S.—The famed conservative economist and free-market advocate Dr. Thomas Sowell took a lot of flack this week by distancing himself from the economic practices of one “Santa Claus”. Sowell pointed out that a sudden flood of free toys will…

Hard-Working Plumber Looking Forward To Paying For His Neighbor’s Gender Studies Degree PADUCAH, KY—With Democrats proposing the mass cancellation of student debt, successful Americans around the country are really looking forward to paying…

ROME—New Year's Eve the world witnessed a historical event when the Pope repeatedly slapped a woman's hand after she tugged on his arm in a forceful, Trump-like fashion. While the Pope went on to issue an apology for the incident, the…