food and drink

CINCINNATI—In an effort to ensure the dazzling culinary performance received the thoughtful consideration it deserved, staff at a local Benihana restaurant reportedly asked diners Wednesday to surrender their phones so everyone could be in…

SHEBOYGAN, WI—Shrugging off that he had been bedridden for the better part of the day, local man Jamison Kelly reminded himself Monday that the painful, nauseating side effects just meant that the triple bacon cheeseburger he recently…

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Holding the icy brown mass aloft in a vain attempt to inspect it, local man Ralph Freeman confirmed Thursday that he found an unidentifiable beige food item that he froze, like,six months ago. “I think it might be some…

BATTLE CREEK, MI—In a major breakthrough after years spent chasing the next big flavor, local minimalist Tyler Benson told sources Wednesday he had recently discovered how to appreciate the stripped-down simple pleasures of unloaded tater…

BEVERLY, MA—Explaining that minor inconveniences weren’t worth fretting over, laid-back local man Tom Glickstein told reporters Monday that he felt ready and able to take whatever the sandwich he was currently eating threw his way. “I…

“As your guests go to take their first bite, if you stand behind them and make the ‘Mmmm’ noise at the right volume, sometimes they’ll think that it’s them making that noise, and they’ll think that they’re actually enjoying the meal a…

ATLANTA—Declaring that U.S. companies had an obligation to oppose a new state bill restricting voting rights, Kellogg’s reportedly condemned Georgia’s voting laws Monday in a call to overthrow the government and install an absolute…

‘Obviously, We Didn’t Deliver On Tortilla Chips The Way We Should Have And For That We’re Sorry’PLANO, TX—Following an uncharacteristic lapse in rolling out new products, the Tostitos brand director reportedly apologized Friday for “phoning…

OMAHA, NE—Saying the new wellness program would give livestock valuable time away from the slaughterhouse, international meat retailer Omaha Steaks announced Tuesday it would begin offering 18 weeks of maternity leave to its cows. “Starting…

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—As a token of its appreciation to members of the public doing their part to fight Covid-19, leading doughnut purveyor Krispy Kreme announced Wednesday it would begin offering vaccinated customers a free ride on its glaze…