Food

TORONTO – Reports found that yesterday local copywriter Gavin Issac retrieved his half-eaten family-sized bag of all-dressed potato chips exactly eight minutes and sixteen seconds after putting it away for later. The bulk style chip…

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PICKERING, ON – Maci Livingston, a 28-year-old programmer recently made home-made muffins for a small get-together she was having, claiming her cat Pumpkin, 2, helped bake them despite the fact that she just sat there looking like a dumbass…

MONTREAL – Paul McGinley, a 29-year-old bachelor, has reported feeling an overwhelming wave of personal shame after seeing how many sets of chopsticks were included in the delivery he just received to his one-bedroom apartment. Upon…

REGINA – Boris, an orange Persian cat, wowed his neighbourhood with his uncanny resemblance to Garfield by eating an entire lasagna before dying from diet-induced health issues. “Everyone loved the real-life Garfield,” said Boris’ owner Jim…

TORONTO – Summer is in full swing, and as is customary, multiple locals have set out to try and acquire the rarest of rare humans- a white friend with a cottage who also likes food to be adequately seasoned. Abdul, who grew up in Tanzania,…

EL SEGUNDO, CA – As part of their ongoing quest to create a plant-based meat that accurately mirrors real meat in every way, Beyond Meat has begun sprinkling inedible vegan gristle into their products. The company is hopeful that this step…

GUELPH, ON – Local accounts manager Mary Nierling confirmed today that there are only three meals she knows how to make and she is completely disgusted by all of them at this point. “I was really proud of these meals when I first learned to…

OTTAWA – In a controversial decision, the Canadian Plants Council has reclassified beans, from Magical Fruit to common legume. “We all know the saying,” said Monica Lee, the President of the Council. “Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the…

ST. CATHARINES, ON – 6 year old Caylen Phillips, who has an obsession with football, received cupcakes at his recent birthday party which were shaped and designed to look like tiny footballs. However, these cupcakes tasted like literal ass.…