Food

REGINA – Boris, an orange Persian cat, wowed his neighbourhood with his uncanny resemblance to Garfield by eating an entire lasagna before dying from diet-induced health issues. “Everyone loved the real-life Garfield,” said Boris’ owner Jim…

TORONTO – Summer is in full swing, and as is customary, multiple locals have set out to try and acquire the rarest of rare humans- a white friend with a cottage who also likes food to be adequately seasoned. Abdul, who grew up in Tanzania,…

EL SEGUNDO, CA – As part of their ongoing quest to create a plant-based meat that accurately mirrors real meat in every way, Beyond Meat has begun sprinkling inedible vegan gristle into their products. The company is hopeful that this step…

GUELPH, ON – Local accounts manager Mary Nierling confirmed today that there are only three meals she knows how to make and she is completely disgusted by all of them at this point. “I was really proud of these meals when I first learned to…

OTTAWA – In a controversial decision, the Canadian Plants Council has reclassified beans, from Magical Fruit to common legume. “We all know the saying,” said Monica Lee, the President of the Council. “Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the…

ST. CATHARINES, ON – 6 year old Caylen Phillips, who has an obsession with football, received cupcakes at his recent birthday party which were shaped and designed to look like tiny footballs. However, these cupcakes tasted like literal ass.…

STEINBACH, MB – Canadians across the country are in awe as Manitoban Amelia Kristensen shared an image of a perfectly opened Kraft Dinner package online with a cleanly punched in tab. Congratulations have poured in from across the…

Laval, QC – Humanity’s quest to discover the fundamental truth about our existence has been solved, as it turns out to be located in the personal story section of a recipe for homemade gnocchi. “I was just writing my usual 20-25 paragraphs…

BURLINGTON, ON – Last Tuesday evening, 27 year-old bartender Eva Parsons realized as she got home from a grocery run that she had bought regular grapes instead of seedless ones. At that moment, she declared that due to this, she was to give…

RICHMOND, BC – A press release from Boston Pizza has announced an exciting new menu item of overpriced cheese and beef that technically qualifies as food. “Boston Pizza is proud to be the restaurant that makes all Canadians say…