foodanddrink

CAMDEN, NJ—The entire executive team of the Campbell Soup Company held a press conference Wednesday morning to announce that soup will set you free. “Campbell’s soup will cut the shackles! Campbell’s soup will make you whole!” CEO Mark…

MCLEAN, VA—Noting there would be no effect on the product’s appearance or taste, M&M’s announced Tuesday that 1 in every 100 of the company’s candies would now act as an abortion pill. “If you need to terminate a pregnancy in a state…

The Department of Labor has fined three McDonald’s franchisees in Kentucky for employing more than 300 children, with one franchisee having two 10-year-olds working at its locations, without pay, as late as 2 A.M. What do you think?“Oh,…

SILVER SPRING, MD—Digging through case files for something extra tasty, the Food and Drug Administration informed consumers Wednesday that it could definitely go for evaluating a big bag of chips right now. “Oh, man, I’d kill to evaluate a…

REDMOND, WA—In an effort to let the past be the past, local woman Cassie Keene told reporters Monday that she had finally forgiven herself for eating an entire donut all those years ago. “I’ll always be haunted by those 300 calories, but…

INDIANAPOLIS—Beginning to regret his decision to work the event, National Rifle Association convention food vendor Tom Birkenshaw was reportedly being held up at gunpoint Friday by his 19th customer in a row. “What can I get for you—oh…

TOLEDO, OH—Expressing revulsion after wolfing down the “nasty-ass treat,” local man Kurt Nelson told reporters Monday that he regretted eating what he thought was a Peep. “It seemed warm and gooey at first, but then I started to notice the…

SACO, ME—In an effort to embrace the present moment, a local honey bear confirmed Monday that it was trying to live life to the fullest before crystallization spread throughout its entire body. “Until the day these sugar crystals finally…

ONTARIO, CA—Muttering “Shit, where is it, shit” while frustratedly pulling out miscellaneous objects, local woman Alice Wallen asked the person attacking her Thursday for 30 more seconds so she could dig the pepper spray out of her bag.…

EQUINUNK, PA—Watching as more than 1 million people took to the streets in violent demonstrations across France, U.S. residents reported Friday that the intensity of the French protests must mean something crazy happened with the way…