football

GREEN BAY, WI—Completely ignoring a tackle for loss on the field, Fox Sports NFL announcer Tom Brady began to break down exactly why the jiu jitsu instructor now dating his ex-wife would never be able to please her. “Just…

KANSAS CITY, MO—Forging an unlikely alliance with the “dorky” team statistician, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly enlisted a nerd Monday to help him pass NFL concussion protocol. “I can do all the physical…

CLEVELAND—Discussing how his season-ending injury had inspired him to explore other interests, Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson told reporters this week that now might be a good time to get into dog fighting. “Before, my life was…

KANSAS CITY, MO—Quieting doubts from supporters that he wasn’t focused enough on getting a win on the board for the Aryan people, NFL place-kicker Harrison Butker insisted Tuesday that he wouldn’t let politics distract him from the upcoming…

KANSAS CITY, MO—In a stunning turn of events that shocked fans during the Chiefs’ game against the New Orleans Saints, sources confirmed Monday night that 34-year-old tight end Travis Kelce had suffered a film-career-beginning injury.…

BOULDER, CO—Emphasizing that he was primarily focused on running the football team, head coach Deion Sanders admitted to reporters Wednesday that he has absolutely zero idea what school the Colorado Buffaloes play for. “Look, my job is to…

DALLAS—Facing serious consequences for multiple violations of the league’s HR guidelines, local NFL referee Greg Clancy reportedly came under fire this weekend for watching pornography on his work instant replay device. “Unfortunately, Mr.…

NEW YORK—Offering football fans the chance to catch every testimony and cross-examination without having to change the channel, NFL Sunday Ticket announced this week that it is now allowing viewers to simulcast up to four domestic violence…

CLEVELAND—Covering the Browns vs. Cowboys game for his highly anticipated Fox Sports broadcasting debut, Tom Brady provided a detailed analysis Sunday of how easy it would be for him to take Dallas quarterback Dak Prescott’s job. “As…

CINCINNATI—Wincing at the sound of the two palms coming into contact with each other, the Cincinnati Bengals coaching staff reportedly held its breath Sunday after Joe Burrow endured a rough high-five from a teammate. “Oof, that looked like…