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LONDON—Noting how the new headpiece was much better suited to his royal lifestyle, King Charles III announced Wednesday that he had switched out his 5-pound, solid-gold crown for a more comfortable silicone one. “Unlike my old crown,…

ORLANDO, FL—Emphasizing that it’s just words, after all, a team of relationship experts issued a recommendation Thursday that stressed the importance of saying “I love you” even if you don’t mean it. “It can be stressful when a…

WASHINGTON—Promising to stamp out the extremist movement as well as its sympathizers, the U.S. State Department announced Thursday that the WNBA had been designated as a terrorist organization. According to Secretary of State Marco Rubio,…

LANSING, MI—Assuring herself it wasn’t even that late, local woman Natalie Sissons reportedly allowed herself one more anxiety episode Tuesday before going to bed. “Just one more episode of paralyzing apprehension and fear, then I’ll…

Wow, what a lovely backyard! It sure was kind of that family to hoist me so high into the air so I could enjoy swaying back and forth in the breeze and taking in this beautiful view. From way up here, I can’t help but notice all the sparkly…

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Dreading a scenario in which He showed up early and was forced to make awkward small talk with mankind, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, circled the earth a few times so He wouldn’t be the first to arrive for Judgment Day,…

Grocery Store’s Meat Section Misted With Fresh Blood Every Few Minutes - The Onion Published: May 16, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More…

CHICAGO—Insisting that a demonstration of the form was necessary to display its full force and power, elderly salsa instructor Hector Moreno announced his plan during a Thursday evening introductory class to dance with your…

NDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to curb unauthorized traffic to adult websites within the state, Indiana lawmakers passed new legislation Thursday requiring all potential viewers of online pornography to register as sex offenders before they could…

Studies have shown that creating a neat and organized living space can reduce stress and improve mental well-being. The Onion provides helpful guidance for decluttering your home. Lure Marie Kondo into your home using an evenly spaced trail…