Former Print Exclusive

Question for Jeanketeers: Who do you write to if you want to get things to stop changing? Congress? Or influencers, like a lady I spotted the other day in the Walgreens parking lot filming herself in her car yelling? Just asking for a…

CLEVELAND—Screaming with delight when the rarely seen star appeared onscreen in the opening scene of the film, sources confirmed Thursday that, holy shit, Daniel Day-Lewis is in this. “Man, I thought this was just a Paul Dano flick,…

NEW YORK—NFL referees announced Monday they had started a new tip line to which penalties could be reported, part of an effort to streamline the video review process and provide an opportunity for fans to help with the enforcement of…

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that even the most hopeless group of outcasts could eventually be whipped into shape, Army recruiter Sgt. Paul Ackers confirmed Thursday that he was certain the ragtag bunch of teen misfits he had recently…

y he comes to work every morning, Solarion Enterprises CEO Dan Lipcot told reporters Friday that in order to stay motivated at the office, he always kept a photo of himself on his desk. “When I’m working long hours at night or on the…

WASHINGTON—Apologizing for the terrifying series of events that left shocked, confused, and disgusted citizens screaming, crying, and searching for cover, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Daniel Gilroy announced his…

LOS ANGELES—Staring blankly at the 27-year-old woman sitting across from him, musical artist Justin Bieber told reporters Thursday that he had forgotten his wife’s name. “I’d just keep saying ‘babe,’ but I think she’s starting to catch…

HOUSTON—In a devastating accident that left the entire downtown area in smoldering ruins, officials confirmed Tuesday that the Houston skyline had been knocked over by a large, playful sheepdog named Gus. According to eyewitnesses, the…

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Confirming that the device would give home cooks the speed, efficiency, and power of over 200 professional chefs, appliance brand KitchenAid announced Wednesday that it had begun selling a new military-grade culinary mech…

By Commander Byxxurian Greetings, earthlings. I am Commander Byxxurian from Nebula Vriphlaxor-9. I come bearing a message of utmost importance from the galactic consortium. Its intended recipient is one who lives among you, and if it is not…