Former Print Exclusive

So this is kind of awkward but it’s been on my mind lately and I know it’s probably nothing but I’ve gotta ask. And be honest, because I need someone I can count on to tell the truth. Okay, so…do you think I look ugly? Ugh, this is so…

Only Murders In The Building, Hulu: Yes, season four technically came out in August, but we’ve been busy, okay? Nova: Decoding The Universe, PBS: Tell everyone you’re watching this one so they know just what a smarty pants you are. Tomb…

SAN FRANCISCO—Warning that every flaccid member across the globe now represented a ticking time bomb in his hands, cackling Hims CEO Joseph Ludlum released a statement Friday in which he threatened to pull a switch that would activate all…

Despite the tide of aquatic opinion flowing in favor of reproductive rights for all, marine society still gives male seahorses very little say over what happens to their own bodies. Instead, we are treated as passive baby-making machines.…

MINNEAPOLIS—In a touching moment that left the terminally ill child excitedly rambling and beaming from ear to ear, witnesses confirmed Friday that Charli XCX had done a line of coke with 11-year-old Make-A-Wish recipient Luna Waites. …

RANBURNE, AL—Concluding an hours-long summit with top thinkers from the area, residents of a town with a heavyset mule stuck halfway through a barn door declared Thursday that they’re plumb out of ideas. The townsfolk, who were spotted…

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Posing for photos as they cleaned cages, filled food bowls, and went on walks around the block, celebrity couple Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon volunteering at their local predator…

HOUSTON—After two weeks of posing as an underage girl online and exchanging messages with a suspected child predator, Detective Sgt. Gordon Aguero of the Harris County Sheriff’s Office told reporters Thursday he had fallen in love with the…

NEW YORK—Astonished by the sheer volume of exhibition basketball knowledge that one person could possess, sources confirmed Monday that foreign man Deniz Büyükuncu knows an incredible amount about the Harlem Globetrotters. “He saw me…

CHICAGO—A feeling of utter helplessness flooding his nervous system from the very moment he spotted the “enormous” brown paper sack, area 34-year-old Caleb Atkinson told reporters Wednesday his DoorDash order had arrived in a humiliatingly…