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SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Sources marveled at the single-mindedness and robotic efficiency with which area man Maxwell DiLuzio raised and lowered his pastry-laden fork Thursday, reporting that nothing could deter the 68-year-old as he forged ahead in…

Despite CDC recommendations that everyone get their shot by the end of October, less than half of American adults receive flu vaccines, with many refraining due to misinformation they encounter online. The Onion breaks down common myths…

WASHINGTON—Hopelessly captivated by the animal’s cheerful energy and striking appearance, the U.S. populace reportedly converged upon a D.C.-area park Tuesday where sources confirmed that all 340 million Americans were vying for the…

Cheese Stick Wrappers Piled On Desk Like Shed Skins Littering Cobra Pit - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: January 31, 2025 More News in Photos…

Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself, Rich. Our team trusted you with the privilege of proving yourself on Trivia Hell Night. But after last night’s demeaning spectacle, I doubt we can ever go back to Sharlene’s Bar without recalling the…

LOS ANGELES—Confirming the rumors around the popular franchise were true, executive producers confirmed Monday they had cast Almond Winfrey-Springsteen in Unfrosted 3. “We are so excited to be a part of Almond’s acting debut,” said the…

Stain Sentimental - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: January 30, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read More The…

In these scary and uncertain times, community is more important than ever. And nothing brings a community together like a good old-fashioned chili cook-off! Whether you’re rich or poor, liberal or conservative, in perfect health or…

ATLANTA—In a harrowing fulfillment of biblical prophecy that left customers screaming as their fast food orders disappeared before their eyes, panicked sources reported Tuesday that every Chick-fil-A store had been raptured. The…

SAVANNAH, GA—Having had no direct interaction with the man at any time during the process, local event planner Anna Callaway made it through one and a half years of preparations for a couple’s wedding without ever acknowledging the groom’s…