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MONTGOMERY, AL—Calling it a “revolutionary way” to experience the full wrath of the carceral state, the Alabama Department of Corrections unveiled Friday a new Death Row Fast Pass that allows convicts to skip the line for…

SULPHUR, OK—In a heartwarming visit that both man and boy are likely to remember for the rest of their lives, Sgt. Thomas Anderson, a highly decorated soldier from the Cyber War of 2096, reportedly returned to his childhood home Wednesday…

ATLANTA—According to a new study published Tuesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, not a single person has been born in the United States during the past five years. “While the general fertility rate has been…

LOS ANGELES—Confirming he had become almost unrecognizable to friends and family, wrestler-turned-actor John Cena opened up Tuesday about slimming down for a new role in which he would portray a human man. “I knew I had to take drastic…

ARLINGTON, VA—In a high-level alert that revealed a geo-political rival of the United States could soon become the first nation capable of wielding the most powerful force in the universe, the Pentagon warned Friday that China was actively…

SAN FRANCISCO—In an emergency press conference at which she issued a stark warning to the nation, panicked Pottery Barn president Monica Bhargava announced Friday that the home furnishing chain had lost control of the wicker. “We long…

NEW YORK—In a social media post in which she told followers that every dollar counted in the fight to keep him full, pop superstar Taylor Swift announced Thursday that she had donated $5 million to help end Travis Kelce hunger. “It’s…

Girlfriend Likes Part When MMA Fighters Hug - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: January 27, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

Question for Jeanketeers: Who do you write to if you want to get things to stop changing? Congress? Or influencers, like a lady I spotted the other day in the Walgreens parking lot filming herself in her car yelling? Just asking for a…

CLEVELAND—Screaming with delight when the rarely seen star appeared onscreen in the opening scene of the film, sources confirmed Thursday that, holy shit, Daniel Day-Lewis is in this. “Man, I thought this was just a Paul Dano flick,…