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CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—With the rest of the family looking on tensely as the conversation grew heated, local parents James and Denise Sweeney were reportedly bickering Tuesday over whether they had seen The Bear. “We watched one episode…

SEATTLE—Deftly jumping into the arena’s octagon as audience members cheered and laughed, an Ultimate Fighting Championship clown attempted Saturday to lure an irate fighter’s attention away from his fallen competitor. The lighthearted…

WASHINGTON—In a move that significantly restricts the eligibility of thousands of American troops to fight for their country on the front lines, senior U.S. military officials announced Wednesday that all men with girl names would now be…

Nervous Matt Gaetz Fumbles With Training Bra - The Onion Published: May 14, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More Photos Explore Tags…

EUSTIS, ME—With a banner that read “We’re All You’ve Got!” hanging above its entrance, local disgusting restaurant Lenny’s Diner celebrated 30 years as a small town’s only option, sources reported Monday. “Since 1995, it has been our…

I’ve loved movies ever since I was a little kid. Just stepping into that dark theater, with the smell of fresh popcorn, was like being transported to a whole other world. It used to be so magical. But now I’m thinking about boycotting…

Grandma AirTagged - The Onion Published: May 13, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More Photos Explore Tags The Onion

LOS ANGELES—Presenting him with a small-scale gilded anatomical model at a lavish ceremony Monday evening, the American Film Institute honored top leading man Dwayne Johnson for his outstanding accomplishments in the field of neck…

AUSTIN, TX—In a landmark piece of legislation designed to stifle individuality across the state, the Texas Legislature passed a bill Friday that legally banned being different around children. “Starting today, adults are no longer…

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following a long rough patch that had led them to consider ending their adulterous relationship, local married man Greg Whitfeld, 47, and his lover Arden Sullivan, 28, confided to reporters Monday that their affair had been…