Former Print Exclusive

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Growing increasingly anxious as yet another minute passed without the 56-year-old consultant’s return, Jennifer Lopez reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that her Bumble date was not coming back from the bathroom at the…

FAIRFAX, VA—Calling the young students “the true enemy of gun rights,” the National Rifle Association reportedly issued an “F” rating Monday to dead schoolchildren. “This is our lowest rating, and it’s exactly what this radical group…

CHICAGO—Packing as closely together as possible to avoid losing their spots on the platform, passengers at the Chicago Transit Authority’s Clark and Division station reportedly rushed to an arriving train’s doors Friday like rat babies…

BELMONT, MA—His tolerance pushed ever-higher from decades of listening to the folksy radio program, desensitized A Prairie Home Companion fan Ira Hawthorne told reporters Thursday that he had recently been forced to seek out gentler and…

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Sources marveled at the single-mindedness and robotic efficiency with which area man Maxwell DiLuzio raised and lowered his pastry-laden fork Thursday, reporting that nothing could deter the 68-year-old as he forged ahead in…

Despite CDC recommendations that everyone get their shot by the end of October, less than half of American adults receive flu vaccines, with many refraining due to misinformation they encounter online. The Onion breaks down common myths…

WASHINGTON—Hopelessly captivated by the animal’s cheerful energy and striking appearance, the U.S. populace reportedly converged upon a D.C.-area park Tuesday where sources confirmed that all 340 million Americans were vying for the…

Cheese Stick Wrappers Piled On Desk Like Shed Skins Littering Cobra Pit - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: January 31, 2025 More News in Photos…

Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself, Rich. Our team trusted you with the privilege of proving yourself on Trivia Hell Night. But after last night’s demeaning spectacle, I doubt we can ever go back to Sharlene’s Bar without recalling the…

LOS ANGELES—Confirming the rumors around the popular franchise were true, executive producers confirmed Monday they had cast Almond Winfrey-Springsteen in Unfrosted 3. “We are so excited to be a part of Almond’s acting debut,” said the…