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Stain Sentimental - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: January 30, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read More The…

In these scary and uncertain times, community is more important than ever. And nothing brings a community together like a good old-fashioned chili cook-off! Whether you’re rich or poor, liberal or conservative, in perfect health or…

ATLANTA—In a harrowing fulfillment of biblical prophecy that left customers screaming as their fast food orders disappeared before their eyes, panicked sources reported Tuesday that every Chick-fil-A store had been raptured. The…

SAVANNAH, GA—Having had no direct interaction with the man at any time during the process, local event planner Anna Callaway made it through one and a half years of preparations for a couple’s wedding without ever acknowledging the groom’s…

MONTGOMERY, AL—Calling it a “revolutionary way” to experience the full wrath of the carceral state, the Alabama Department of Corrections unveiled Friday a new Death Row Fast Pass that allows convicts to skip the line for…

SULPHUR, OK—In a heartwarming visit that both man and boy are likely to remember for the rest of their lives, Sgt. Thomas Anderson, a highly decorated soldier from the Cyber War of 2096, reportedly returned to his childhood home Wednesday…

ATLANTA—According to a new study published Tuesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, not a single person has been born in the United States during the past five years. “While the general fertility rate has been…

LOS ANGELES—Confirming he had become almost unrecognizable to friends and family, wrestler-turned-actor John Cena opened up Tuesday about slimming down for a new role in which he would portray a human man. “I knew I had to take drastic…

ARLINGTON, VA—In a high-level alert that revealed a geo-political rival of the United States could soon become the first nation capable of wielding the most powerful force in the universe, the Pentagon warned Friday that China was actively…

SAN FRANCISCO—In an emergency press conference at which she issued a stark warning to the nation, panicked Pottery Barn president Monica Bhargava announced Friday that the home furnishing chain had lost control of the wicker. “We long…