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NEW YORK—The site of just two home losses in the past millennium due to the incredibly hostile atmosphere of the malevolent venue, Hades’ Inferno Stadium was once again ranked first on ESPN’s list of toughest arenas to play in this…

NEW YORK—With the struggling newspaper admitting this was the final nail in its coffin, The New York Times announced this week that it would permanently cease publication, saying there was no way it could compete with The Onion’s newly…

Gen Z voters ages 18 to 27 could tip the scale in a tight race for the White House. The Onion shares the issues that are most important to the nation’s youngest eligible voters heading into the 2024 election. Economy: Like generations…

CHICAGO—Observing the 300-pound captive ape from the other side of his enclosure, Lincoln Park Zoo guests expressed empathy this week for western lowland gorilla Nzinga, who looked bored out of his mind reading Wuthering Heights. …

NEW YORK—Following months of soul searching and a protracted home sale negotiation, the New York Yankees reportedly moved to Southport, CT this week to settle down and raise their kids. “We really love this city and have had some of…

WASHINGTON—Despite polls that show the American public overwhelmingly supports keeping the ancient burial chamber sealed, the Supreme Court ruled 6-3 Friday to pry open the evil tomb of Batibat, a vengeful spirit who haunts the dream space…

SPARTANBURG, SC—Opting not to choose sides, sources told reporters today that neither member of separating couple Max Kiely and Jennifer Rush kept their friends after the breakup. “After hearing both perspectives on how this breakup went…

CHICAGO—Gawking at the novel sight with her mouth agape, 32-year-old tourist Helena Jensen told reporters this week that she was impressed by the immense size of Chicago’s residents. “Back home, we don’t have anything this massive, you…

With Joe Biden stepping aside from the 2024 presidential race, the Democratic Party has put its money, manpower, and fate in the hands of Kamala Harris. The Onion sat down with the vice president to discuss her political career, her…

CHICAGO—Admitting this was the first time in quite a while they’d heard anything remotely close to positive feedback, stammering and confused Democratic National Committee leaders were reportedly unsure Monday how to process newfound praise…