freemenofthecityoflondon

MEDINA, WA—Calling everything he had done in his life and career up to this point in time “absolutely worthless,” Bill Gates told reporters Friday that he wondered what he could have accomplished if he didn’t waste time becoming a…

J.K. Rowling: “Well, I never—look, if you’re going to spew hateful rhetoric at me, we’re going to terminate this interview right here and now. Christ, how low some journalists will stoop! We can continue, but you’re going to have to ask…

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Following a series of transphobic comments by the Harry Potter author, the nation’s top evangelical leaders announced Monday that J.K. Rowling had finally become bigoted enough to make it okay for kids to read about…

WOOSTER, OH—Noting that the self-imposed period of sobriety had given him a new lease on life, local man Jeremy Thatcher told reporters Thursday that doing “Dry January” made him feel like he had been abusing his family way less. “Ever…