friday

PARIS—Calling its latest piece a “must-have for anyone with a discerning eye” who is preparing to undergo bariatric surgery, the prestigious jewelry firm Cartier introduced a new diamond-encrusted gastric lap-band Friday retailing for…

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Bereft of the sort of close companions who would intervene before he took such a drastic step, local man Bill Delaney had no one in his life to stop him from posting a lengthy video condemning the new film Ghostbusters:…

Former President Trump recently said immigrants were “poisoning the blood” of America, words that closely mirror the language Adolph Hitler used during his campaign to exterminate the Jews. The Onion asked Republicans how they felt about…

NEW YORK—Shedding new light on the upcoming screen adaptation of the beloved Broadway show, Tina Fey told reporters Friday that the Mean Girls movie musical would be a silent film. “I understand that many were confused by the lack of songs…

SEATTLE—Grabbing the wrists and shoulders of the artist’s loyal fans, security personnel working the opening weekend of Taylor Swift’s new concert film were reportedly roughing up theatergoers Friday for getting too close to the screen.…

LOS ANGELES—Announcing their first major theatrically released project, the production company launched by Barack and Michelle Obama greenlit an action film Friday about a badass drone seeking revenge on a Yemeni wedding. “The film follows…

LOS ANGELES—Operating in accordance with local laws, the bouncer at an L.A. nightclub was reportedly checking Internet Movie Database pages at the door, sources confirmed Friday. “Okay, people, please have your IMDB pages open on your phone…

HOLLYWOOD—Rushing to gather as much footage as they could piece together from what was already available on the internet, panicked producers of the film Cocaine Bear were scrambling Friday to expand four minutes of social media clips into…

BALTIMORE—Slowly zooming in on the precancerous growth while it hissed and screeched, local gastroenterologist Gary Weiss reportedly watched in horror Friday as a polyp skittered in front of the colonoscopy camera just as the screen went…

BURBANK, CA—Taking a huge step toward adding more diversity to their films, Disney announced Friday that the company’s next movie would feature a princess with a never-before-seen ethnicity. “The film will tell the story of a young girl who…