friends

WASHINGTON—Stressing that they were approaching the future with the utmost seriousness, the nation’s fuckups announced a plan Friday to get their shit together for real this time. “While I know we’ve made assurances like this in the past,…

PALM SPRINGS, CA—Appreciative of the quality time with those who have touched the life of their dear friend, guests at a bachelorette party expressed gratitude Friday that the recent celebration had provided them with valuable time to get…

RALEIGH, NC—Breathing a sigh of relief as the pair of new acquaintances talked each other’s ears off without any extra input, the rest of the people attending a party Thursday reportedly thanked fucking God that the two guys who liked…

GREEN BAY, WI—In a comprehensive and thorough effort to ensure that nothing bad had happened, the aliveness of infant Liam Graham was reportedly quintuple-checked Tuesday before texting the new parents congratulations. “I was about to pop…

MILWAUKEE—Growing more despondent as each turn brought them no closer to a conclusion, an exhausted group of friends was reportedly coming to the realization Friday that they had been playing the board game Wingspan incorrectly…

Every year, various movie versions of Charles Dickens’ classic A Christmas Carol air on our televisions, reminding us of the importance of putting others first and how Christmas is a time of reconciliation instead of division. …

TORONTO – A friend you will literally never see again has proclaimed you should “do this again soon!” Carol Andrews, 29, made the bold statement after a thrice-cancelled brunch with your friend group from high school finally came to pass.…

What if I told you to trust the feds to help you deal with your feelings of loneliness and social isolation? I hope you’d laugh in my face. These are the same folks who demanded you self-isolate, hide your face, and stay in your house for…

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