fuck

WASHINGTON—Saying their numbers had been blocked so showing up unannounced was their only option, several concerned sources confirmed this week that the nation’s ex-boyfriends were drunk as hell. “Babe, please, I promise I didn’t mean…

NEW YORK—Noting that seeing another photograph of the disgraced crypto entrepreneur is just a part of life at this point, a report released Friday confirmed that here is Sam Bankman-Fried’s stupid little face again. “Guess everyone has to…

WASHINGTON—Noting that there were still so many lives to be lost, so much pain to be inflicted, and so much blood to be shed, a new report published Monday by researchers at American University found that when there could be an all-out war,…

Start SlideshowWhile acknowledging their existence or uttering a single word isn’t recommended, here is what you should definitely never say to your freshmen-year roommate.AdvertisementPrevious SlideNext Slide“Is it all right if I cremate…

Start SlideshowTest your knowledge of the rules of the road by trying to pass the Department of Motor Vehicles’ written test.AdvertisementPrevious SlideNext SlideQ: What does the red light mean?Q: What does the red light…

Start SlideshowRon DeSantis, the rightwing governor of Florida, has been making headlines due to his ongoing feud with Disney and rumored presidential bid. The Onion sits down with the prominent Republican to discuss his political…

SAN FRANCISCO—Conducting his monthly sweep for new content, Tubi CEO Farhad Massoudi was reportedly combing through a shelf of used DVDs at Goodwill Thursday looking for movies to upload to the streaming service. “American Hustle, fine,…

SKOPJE, NORTH MACEDONIA—Panicking while growing increasingly aware that there was no escape, a local kidney reportedly freaked out Thursday after waking up in a cooler full of ice with the rest of its man missing. “Oh fuck, oh fuck! Oh…

OTTAWA – After being accused of dropping an f-bomb during Parliamentary proceedings, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has promised to no longer swear in the House of Commons if that’s really what you stupid cunts want. “I am aware that some…