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U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Combat

WASHINGTON—In a move that significantly restricts the eligibility of thousands of American troops to fight for their country on the front lines, senior U.S. military officials announced Wednesday that all men with girl names would now be…

National Endowment For The Arts Lays Off 30,000 Muses

WASHINGTON—In a move the Trump administration claims will reduce government waste and remove redundancies from federally funded programs, the National Endowment for the Arts announced a sweeping round of layoffs Wednesday that terminated…

FBI Claims Gavel, Black Gowns Prove Ties To MS-13 Gang

WASHINGTON—Explaining that such items constituted a veritable uniform for the notorious criminal organization, FBI director Kash Patel claimed Monday that gavels and black gowns were sufficient evidence to tie an individual to the MS-13…

What To Know About The Real ID Deadline 

Beginning May 7, Americans will not be able to go through airport security or enter federal buildings without Real ID. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Real ID amid the looming deadline. Q: What am I required to do…

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