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Former President Donald Trump survived a shocking attempt on his life at a Pennsylvania campaign rally, sustaining only minor injuries. The Onion takes a look back on the history of assassinations and attempted assassinations in the United…

WICHITA, KS—Calling the task “a heavy burden, but one I must shoulder nonetheless,” local woman Raven Wilson told reporters Wednesday that she had grimly accepted the lifelong responsibility of liking every one of her sister-in-law Jessica…

MINNEAPOLIS—Insisting that the caregiver make herself at home, parents Greg and Sarah Meyer reportedly told 17-year-old babysitter Charlotte Kent on Wednesday to help herself to anything she wanted in the medicine cabinet. “So you have our…

MEMPHIS, TN—In a bold move they said would give their franchise a much-needed reboot, Leigh Anne and Sean Tuohy announced Friday that Michael Oher, the former offensive tackle and their quasi-adopted son, would be traded to a different…

PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to make the ceremony feel as special and intimate as possible, local engaged couple Nate Brewer and Tara Simmons confirmed Friday they were keeping their wedding to just uncles. “We know we have a lot of friends…

From the Jean Teasdale email cyber-compu-bag: “Hey Jean, is Hubby Rick still alive?” Why, thanks for asking, Greg! Also, thanks to Anthony and Darci for the same question, as well as Mitch, Dale, Naomi, Chris, Jo, and Baptiste! The answer,…

With a significant portion of Americans indicating opposition to getting a coronavirus vaccine, debate has risen over the potential use of vaccine passports, or digital vaccination records that could be required for travel or to enter…