habits

SANTA FE, NM—As the distressed and presumably very horny individual knocked frantically on the door, sources reported Thursday that panicked-looking local man Henry McDonald, who was seen shifting uncomfortably outside of an occupied public…

VATICAN CITY—As youthful vigor rapidly returned to the supreme pontiff, Pope Francis reportedly appeared 40 years younger Friday after finally masturbating for the first time. “Since finally pleasuring myself after all these years, I look…

With a sinking feeling, I watched a cheerful and well-intentioned lady hand a line of 6-year-olds a snack after their 8 a.m. soccer game on a Saturday morning. Her choice? A six-pack of full-size Oreos for each tyke, in addition to the…

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Noting that while watching pornographic movies had often left him feeling anxious, depressed, and mired in sexual frustration, local man James Kaiser told reporters Tuesday that their harmful effects were nothing compared to…

NEW YORK—Drawing from almost three decades of experience of jerking off in the city, local New Yorker James Greene was reportedly counseling friend Troy Balaz Thursday on how to masturbate on the subway without looking like a tourist.…

CHICAGO—Laughing off another encounter, this time while riding the bus, local woman Lillian Bedford confirmed Wednesday that she just has one of those faces strangers feel comfortable masturbating to. “Waiting for a train, in line at the…

According to a new report from the American Cancer Society, the rate of people dying from cancer in the United States has declined 33% since 1991, the trend being attributed to early detection, lower rates of smoking, and advancements in…

New Zealand has passed into law a unique plan to phase out tobacco smoking by imposing a lifetime ban on buying cigarettes for anybody born on or after Jan. 1, 2009, meaning the minimum age will keep going up as time goes on. What do you…