Halloween

BEVERLY, MA—Launching into preparations months early in an effort to get a head start, proactive local man Mark Cromwell was reportedly already working on his Dracula impression Wednesday so it would be ready for Halloween. “An ounce of…

NETHERWORLD – Noted hobgoblin-about-town Robin Redpath was spotted far from his regular domestic haunts cavorting with a retinue of goblins, scandalizing those who believe the two species should remain apart. “Hobgoblins are hobgoblins.…

NORWICH, CT—Excitedly running up to dozens of houses covered in Halloween decorations, local pervert Phil Jenkins, 52, reportedly went door-to-door Thursday asking for trick-or-treaters. “Trick-or-treater, please!” said Jenkins, holding a…

DURHAM, NC—The sense of doom only dawning on the canine after the Disney princess dress had been pulled over his head, local dog Pickles reportedly looked at his owner Thursday the way a mafia don looks at a once-loyal consigliere who has…

AIRDRIE – Airdrie’s annual Harvest Festival is clearly just the town’s annual Summer Carnival with some scarecrows and hay bales thrown in, according to underwhelmed sources. “Look, they crossed out most of ‘Yeehaw!’ on the cowboy poster…

TORONTO – When local man Peter Vidal decided to have “just one bag” of the Halloween chips he purchased for trick-or-treaters, he was shocked to discover that it contained only air. “I was expecting the usual 4 or 5 chips, but there was…

TORONTO — Account manager Andrea Gill was quietly dispatched on Tuesday after spending the weekend festooning her workplace with Christmas decorations. “She’d been starting earlier every year,” said HR representative Suzanne Lee. “But…

HALIFAX – Local Halloween enthusiast Mark Culvers’ latest costume, combining standup comedian Dave Chappelle and indie pop star Chappell Roan, was reportedly universally loathed at a recent house party. Reports indicate that Culvers, 29,…

FAIRFAX, VA—Shaking his head as he rushed past yet another indecisive group laughing together at an obvious dead end, area man Justin Carter reflected Friday on how going with friends would have just slowed him down on his way through a…

According to a Gallup poll, 94% of Americans reported celebrating Christmas in some way, both with secular and nonsecular traditions. What are you doing on Christmas day?“Shouting at every passing boy to buy me a fine plump goose until one…