hamburger

DAYTON, OH—While greeting the crowd at a campaign rally Thursday, former President Donald Trump was seen kissing a supporter’s burger, according to sources in attendance. “Well, who’s this juicy little guy?” asked the GOP presidential…

WASHINGTON—Breathing a huge sigh of relief when they saw the two halves, a spokesperson for the U.S. populace announced Tuesday that the nation likes it when the hamburger bun is already cut. “Oh thank God—that would have been exhausting,”…

DUBLIN, OH—Calling it a discriminatory practice that should have been eliminated years ago, restaurant chain Wendy’s announced Thursday that it would be ending its legacy preferences for customers whose familieshad eaten there before. “In…

NANTERRE, FRANCE—In an ongoing struggle against ruling-class oppression, the people of France again protested in a way that Americans are welcome to at any time, sources confirmed Thursday. According to reports, French citizens across the…

BALTIMORE—Providing further insight into modern eating habits, a study published Monday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that a majority of Americans no longer bother to unwrap their hamburgers before eating them. “The…

At this point, you likely won’t be able to get close to this burger without gagging, not only because of the near-complete putrefaction, but from the dawning realization of all this time and energy you’ve poured into watching it. Just…

CHICAGO—According to a new study released Friday by researchers at the University of Chicago, 1 in 10 Americans lack access to adequate food eating challenges. “It is a disgrace that in a nation as wealthy as the United States, millions of…