health medical pharma

NEW YORK—Touting the new product as a “transformative approach to skincare,” luxury cosmetics manufacturer Lancôme announced Friday the release of a full-body moisturizing chrysalis, now available at select retailers. “This beautiful chitin…

SILVER SPRING, MD—Amid a shortage caused by rising demand, manufacturing issues, and federal limits on production, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Friday that the inadequate supply of ADHD drugs was forcing more parents to beat…

GILBERT, AZ—Noting that just spending a few minutes a day on a toilet had drastically improved her mental and physical health, local woman Jessica Emerson admitted to reporters Monday that she considered her bathroom break self-care. “I…

New research from scientists in the U.K. indicates that older men taking Viagra are 18% less likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease, with the researchers speculating that because the medication relaxes blood vessels, it could be improving…

SPANISH FORK, UT—Entering his skull with a notarized affidavit and seizing the vital organ, agents dispatched Thursday by PNC Bank repossessed the brain of local man Dylan Turner, who had reportedly defaulted on his student loans. “Sorry,…

Following a procedure to reduce an enlarged prostate, King Charles III, 75, was diagnosed with “a form of cancer” and is stepping down from public duties while he undergoes treatment. What do you think? “I’m shocked. He’s always been the…

Elon Musk announced that his company Neuralink implanted its first brain-computer interface into a human and that the patient is “recovering well,” the goal of the new wireless device being to link directly into an individual’s cerebral…

SAN FRANCISCO—In an astounding medical breakthrough for the brain microchip company, Neuralink researchers confirmed Wednesday that the first brain implant recipient had successfully performed depraved sexual acts on Elon Musk. “Although…

Panera’s Charged Lemonade is alleged to have three times as much caffeine as a Red Bull and to have caused severe physical damage or even death. The Onion explains what happens to the human body after consuming a 30-ounce beverage that,…

ROCHESTER, MN—Emphasizing the importance of catching skinlessness early, while there was still some chance of treating the condition, dermatologists at the Mayo Clinic issued a recommendation Tuesday that members of the public regularly…