Health + Wellness

MARYVILLE, TN—Relying on a precise measurement as though a slight miscalculation could be lethal, local woman Anna Gardner, who is said to be on a diet, reportedly weighed out peanut butter Thursday like it was hard drugs. Several reports…

Let me start by saying I’ve got nothing against doctors in general. My niece is a doctor. Most of them are warm, professional, and highly educated people. But lately I’ve noticed a very troubling trend: Almost every doctor I see goes out of…

SHELBURNE, VT—Grinning wide with satisfaction at his successful act of cunning, local man Todd Sansovitch confirmed Friday that he had carefully snuck a bag of outside stimuli into his sensory deprivation tank. “That dopey teen working the…

Beef tallow, also known as rendered beef fat, is trending among beauty and health influencers. Here is everything you need to know about the by-product. Q: What is beef tallow used for? A: Cooking, skincare, and fixing squeaky cows. …

CLEVELAND—Excitedly heading out to yards, balconies, and public parks across the country to reap the wellness benefits, the U.S. populace confirmed Monday that it was using the extra hour of daylight to sun its perineums even harder. “If…

HIALEAH, FL—Crimson droplets splattered across local man Cameron Downs’ white porcelain sink Thursday after he began flossing and reportedly spat out blood like a battered prizefighter in a championship bout. According to sources, the…

FOXFIELD, CO—As he näively filled the household appliance with little regard for the consequences of his actions, local man and humidifier owner Greg Shulman reportedly wondered Thursday “How different could purified and distilled water…

A growing body of evidence suggests that GLP-1 drugs, which include semaglutide, the active ingredient in Ozempic, may be useful for treating alcohol use disorder. What do you think? “I usually drink wine to reduce alcohol…

Sexually transmitted infections, also known as STIs or STDs, affect millions of Americans every year. The Onion debunks the many misconceptions people have about STIs. MYTH: STI tests are inconvenient. FACT: The clinic will mail your penis…

SPARTA, OH—Setting itself apart as a uniquely innocuous object, a wooden spoon is the only thing in local man Patrick Davies’ life that is not currently giving him cancer, sources confirmed Thursday. Unlike every other physical item…