Health + Wellness

An outbreak of avian flu is currently affecting birds both on farms and in the wild. The Onion debunks common myths surrounding the virus. MYTH: Bird flu only affects birds. FACT: Bird flu can affect anyone with a beak. MYTH: Bird flu has…

According to a new study, cognitively normal human brain samples collected at autopsy in early 2024 contained more tiny shards of plastic than samples collected eight years prior, with the average containing the equivalent of an entire…

A study published in the journal Nature Medicine found that about a million Americans a year are expected to develop dementia by 2060, roughly double today’s toll. What do you think? “Is there anything I can do now to make sure I…

With the start of a new year, millions of Americans are honing in on their fitness goals and returning to the gym, including the weight room floor. The Onion dispels the common myths many people have about strength training. MYTH:…

A study published in the British Journal Of Sports Medicine found that short bursts of movement throughout the day, no matter how small, can help the heart, especially for women. What do you think? “I’m knitting as intensely as I…

MINNEAPOLIS—Cackling in gleeful anticipation, the staff at local gym Verve Fitness reportedly installed confusing new equipment Monday to mess with anyone joining in January. “Good luck getting back in shape, idiots—you’ll never figure out…

WASHINGTON—Noting that the fasteners commonly found on most trousers were not merely ornamental, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory to the American public Thursday in which he clarified that people were supposed to be able to…

More than one in five adults in the U.S. live with a mental illness. The Onion offers helpful tips for checking in on your friends. Gain their trust by agreeing with and reinforcing all of their negative self-talk. Remind your friend…

WASHINGTON—Sinking deep into the blissful delusion that they were the “Chairman of the Board,” residents of the mentally broken nation reportedly began dressing and speaking like Frank Sinatra on Wednesday. In what appeared to be an…