Health

By Cheri O’Toole Earlier this year, we got my aging grandmother a medical alert device to give us peace of mind and to give her shut of mouth, but another time sensitive program was rising in popularity among me and my besties: Be Real. The…

LAUREL, MT — Thanks to precautionary measures followed strictly by local man Heber Boarwinkle, the dangerous airborne COVID-19 virus was unable to spread to his masked chin."Masking just works, as can be exemplified by Mr. Boarwinkle's…

OTTAWA – Officials at Health Canada have come up with a new strategy to drum up attention for the new bivalent COVID vaccine – by taking off its glasses and some chic bangs. “I know the bivalent vaccine looks a little dowdy and unappealing…

QUEBEC CITY – With Canada experiencing an extreme shortage of children’s Tylenol owing to a lack of mandatory bilingual packaging, French language activists announced they would be willing to accept Canada’s importation of American…

Bedroom, Ontario – While blowing off some steam after a long day at work, Michelle Trudy opened the small pouch next to her bed and turned her vibrator to her favourite setting, “Elon Musk Getting Destroyed On Twitter.” “It just never fails…

HUNTSVILLE, AL — Local family physician Dr. Baines waited in rapt anticipation today to learn what plethora of diseases his patient Mrs. Lamb had diagnosed herself with via WebMD."So according to WebMD, you have seventeen different types of…

HENDERSONVILLE, TN — According to sources, a local pediatrician has just wrapped up his round of daily calls with concerned parents in which he assures them their child's cold will only last another 3 to 4 years. "Oh, she's got a cold, huh?…

VANCOUVER – Representatives for the female Sister Puppet from the popular 1992 Concerned Children’s Advertisers PSA “Don’t you put it in your mouth” have confirmed that the puppet has checked into rehab, after a decades-long spiral that saw…

NIAGARA FALLS – While the Democrats have fared better than expected in last night’s midterm elections, Health Canada has issued a request this morning that any political refugees still planning to “Move to Canada” should please bring some…