Health

SUMMERSIDE – A Covid-19 wave has washed over Prince Edward Island, leaving one in twenty-five Islanders–or four individual people–currently Covid-positive. “For a long time, we were doing pretty well here,” said the Province’s Chief Medical…

DALLAS, TX — Local ophthalmologist Dr. Kyler Moore has admitted that the air puff machine doesn't measure anything, and eye doctors do that purely for the joy of watching people flinch."I can't believe how many people we have convinced that…

ATLANTA, GA — After extensive research, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that the declining math and English scores of American students were being added to its list of COVID-19 symptoms."It's very important to…

HAMILTON — Long known for their novel approach to the practice of medicine, the Hamilton Endoscopy Centre has made it a standard practice to add Hans Zimmer film score music to the video feed of colonoscopies. “This isn’t for the patients,”…

NEW YORK, NY — Pfizer has announced the launch of a new breakthrough treatment for depression, Thorovil, a pharmaceutical that consists of a heavy metal head mounted at a right angle at the end of a handle. Patients prescribed Thorovil can…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Biden administration will officially be supplying the toys for McDonald's new "Adult Happy Meals", which will reportedly consist of crack pipes and safe smoking kits.The move came after Hunter had excitedly run to…

FORT MYERS, FL — With hurricane deaths reaching pandemic levels, Pfizer has announced emergency FDA approval of their new, untested hurricane vaccine, Hurriprofitol®."It looks like we get to save humanity again, for a small fee," said…

U.S. — A fascinating new study has revealed that the vast majority of people, when presented with a blind taste test, can't tell the difference between candy corn and a dusty, old orange crayon we found in a junk drawer.According to…

OTTAWA – The government has announced that, as of October 1st, the border vaccine rules, travel mask mandates and mandatory use of the ArriveCan app will no longer be in force, now that keeping as many Canadians alive as possible during the…

OMAHA, NE — Local man John Falco received the tragic news today from his doctor that all the things happening to his body are completely normal, he's simply 40 years old now."Absolutely devastating," said Mr. Falco as his wife hugged him…