Health

BRIDGEWATER – There’s no point trying to prevent COVID because we’re all just going to get it eventually, says a man who is perhaps only a few hours away from infecting you with human papillomavirus. “Like, if you really think about…

AUSTIN, TX – Shortly after the Supreme Court voted to overturn Roe v. Wade, Texas’ new laws against abortion have expanded to also include bans on life saving surgeries of cancerous tumours if that tumour is one of the ones that grows hair…

America wasn’t ready for a pandemic when the first confirmed case of the novel coronavirus landed on U.S. shores in January 2020, especially in terms of overall health. The national stockpile of medical supplies was full of outdated and…

EARTH — After examining records from every abortion carried out since the dawn of humanity, scientists have confirmed that the number of safe abortions performed still inexplicably remains at zero."It's truly astounding," said Dr. Keith…

SIMPSONVILLE, SC—Despite working from home, local man Jarron Bullenix learned today that his lifestyle is anything but sedentary when he rose for his second cupboard visit before noon, causing his Apple Watch to congratulate him for hitting…

BOSTON, MA—According to sources, local man Marley Maddingly is on his 8th COVID booster, but he's still chasing that high he felt when he got that first Pfizer shot to protect himself and others while showing the world he was a good…

BUFFALO, NY—Local man Andrés Rodriguez checked today's news to see if his morning cup of coffee would be be causing imminent death or granting him immortality. "Always exciting to see what coffee is up to," said…

WORLD—The world is in disbelief today upon hearing the news that Dr. Fauci, also known as the living embodiment of SCIENCE itself, has come down with COVID. "How could this happen? What if SCIENCE dies? We'll be lost! LOST WITHOUT SCIENCE!"…