Health

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OTTAWA – Health Canada released a years long comprehensive study linking sugar with having a zest for life. This unprecedented report revealed the group who got to eat something sweet with every meal beat out the group who had to abstain in…

LONDON—Using microscopic communication technology, the COVID-19 strain within Prince Andrew revealed it was actually only 14 at the time of the infection. "He came at me all crazy-eyed like a cat in heat," said the coronavirus. "I didn't…

OTTAWA – In response to growing COVID-19 case numbers, Public Health Officials clarified that Canadians who have needed regular directions on how to properly wear a mask will continue to be trusted to correctly perform complex medical…

BANGOR, ME—According to sources, local 36-year-old man Ryan Winkley recently decided to start running every day to improve his physical health, but oh no! After only one day he already has 7 new injuries! "Well, it looks like my…

MONTREAL – “It must be seasonal allergies,” says 25-year-old Kyle Miller, as he blows his nose and coughs. Miller has never before had any seasonal allergies, but he does have tickets to a Vampire Weekend concert and he really, really wants…

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U.S.—As the baby formula crisis continues to grow, more families have opted for an alternative formula source and have started taking whey protein instead. The babies will still get everything they need for healthy development, as…

OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada has announced that, despite the growing pro-life movement in the United States government, Canadians can rest easy knowing that they won’t know the party’s deliberately unclear stance on the topic.…