Health

ESCONDIDO, CA—Local man Jack Wylder was urged by his wife to go on a morning walk to get some exercise. He agreed to go on the walk but clarified from the outset that he refused to be happy about it. After taking just a few steps on the…

OTTAWA, ON – The ban on blood donations from men who have had sex with other men within the last three months has been lifted, as was announced earlier today by an oiled-up twink wearing only a chest harness and a jockstrap at the official…

OTTAWA – With mask and vaccine mandates being lifted nationwide, anti-mandate protesters like Chad McCarthy of Red Deer, Alberta, are starting to realize despite their outward hatred, deep down they are actually totally obsessed with…

LOS ANGELES, CA—There aren't a ton of great teachers left in California, but there are definitely a few. Mr. Hammond of Carter Rock Elementary School in the suburbs of Los Angeles hated seeing his kids masked up every day, so he came up…

U.S.—Liberals across the country are concerned about the removal of the mask mandate, seeing viral video after viral video of people cheering on airplanes because they no longer have to wear masks. But their conservative friends, known for…

U.S.—A grim new study has found that all two million Americans who took a plane trip yesterday are now dead of COVID. The millions of citizens innocently flying on airplanes, completely safe from the virus because they were wearing masks in…

JUPITER, FL—According to sources hanging out at a local tiki bar, the taste of "literal pee in a bottle" was slightly improved by the addition of a slice of lime. The group agreed that the beverage they ordered, which was "pretty much just…

U.S.—Scientists have warned of a new, rapidly spreading phenomenon known as "Musk Derangement Syndrome." Those working at Big Tech companies and liberals in favor of censorship seem to be the most susceptible to being infected, according to…

HOUSTON, TX—Local liberal man Porter Wendell has learned about the latest COVID wave and is beginning to grow worried that it might be too mild to use to push his leftist takeover agenda. The man stated his concern that many people won't…

TUSCON, AZ—Zookeepers across the nation are reportedly scrambling to vaccinate all reptiles in captivity following the announcement that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has tested positive for COVID-19. "COVID has officially jumped species,"…