Health

SIMPSONVILLE, SC—Despite working from home, local man Jarron Bullenix learned today that his lifestyle is anything but sedentary when he rose for his second cupboard visit before noon, causing his Apple Watch to congratulate him for hitting…

BOSTON, MA—According to sources, local man Marley Maddingly is on his 8th COVID booster, but he's still chasing that high he felt when he got that first Pfizer shot to protect himself and others while showing the world he was a good…

BUFFALO, NY—Local man Andrés Rodriguez checked today's news to see if his morning cup of coffee would be be causing imminent death or granting him immortality. "Always exciting to see what coffee is up to," said…

WORLD—The world is in disbelief today upon hearing the news that Dr. Fauci, also known as the living embodiment of SCIENCE itself, has come down with COVID. "How could this happen? What if SCIENCE dies? We'll be lost! LOST WITHOUT SCIENCE!"…

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OTTAWA – Health Canada released a years long comprehensive study linking sugar with having a zest for life. This unprecedented report revealed the group who got to eat something sweet with every meal beat out the group who had to abstain in…

LONDON—Using microscopic communication technology, the COVID-19 strain within Prince Andrew revealed it was actually only 14 at the time of the infection. "He came at me all crazy-eyed like a cat in heat," said the coronavirus. "I didn't…

OTTAWA – In response to growing COVID-19 case numbers, Public Health Officials clarified that Canadians who have needed regular directions on how to properly wear a mask will continue to be trusted to correctly perform complex medical…

BANGOR, ME—According to sources, local 36-year-old man Ryan Winkley recently decided to start running every day to improve his physical health, but oh no! After only one day he already has 7 new injuries! "Well, it looks like my…