Health

UNITED STATES—After nearly two years of life-altering restrictions due to the COVID-19 pandemic, leaders across the nation are granting citizens a slow return to normalcy after hearing the wonderful news that the indisputable, irrefutable,…

ATLANTA, GA—Beloved Georgia politician Stacey Abrams was viciously pounced upon by conservative critics after being photographed maskless while she was surrounded by dozens of masked schoolchildren. But the haters quickly walked…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Biden has promised to end cancer, citing his excellent record in shutting down the coronavirus. But oh no! Now everyone in the U.S. has cancer! Within minutes of Biden's announcement that he would be ending…

KNOXVILLE, TN—A southern man was immediately rushed to the hospital yesterday after being served unsweetened tea, believing it to be sweet tea. The ambulance arrived at Litton’s restaurant at approximately 2:15pm after being called by…

OTTAWA – Local man David Vogel is telling anyone who will listen that he is done with COVID and it’s associated restrictions, even as he does about as much as humanly possible to keep the virus going. “It’s over. It’s been two years and…

TORONTO — A landmark study conducted by researchers at the University of Toronto has revealed that your parents’ most cherished activity is telling you about horrifying health scares months after they occurred. “It was something that we’ve…

COLUMBUS, OH—Now this is health-conscious parenting: Maria Walter of Columbus, Ohio told her boy Cody that he wasn't allowed to have any ice cream or candy until he ate all 1200 calories of his McDonald's Quarter Pounder with cheese meal…

REDDING, CA—Local man Terry Cleanmanson wore a surgical mask to Walmart yesterday, not because he was afraid of a deadly pandemic but because he was going to Walmart. "Something happens to the people that go…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Addressing the nation from his dark tower, Dr. Fauci revealed today that he has been forging in secret a master vaccine to rule all the others and cover all the lands in darkness. The "One Vaccine to Rule Them All"…

U.S.—Under the advisement of the CDC and WHO, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases will be replacing all COVID tests with just a coin you flip. "It seems to be about as accurate," confirmed Dr. Anthony Fauci while…