Health

SACRAMENTO, CA—According to sources, parents with kids enrolled in the public school system are now receiving a helpful email each and every time a kid sneezes. School district offices throughout the state are reportedly backlogged with…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House is releasing new details surrounding President Biden’s plan to send free facemasks to every American. In an effort to save time, the free masks will be shipped directly to landfills nationwide. “The…

U.S—Pfizer has reiterated their commitment to the release of a new Omicron vaccine in March, just in time for the twelve people who haven't already gotten sick and recovered. "We intend to save lives," said Derrick Pfizer while meeting with…

MIAMI—Burger King will soon require all employees to show proof of vaccination against Hepatitis A before clocking into work. The popular fast-food chain, burdened in recent months by a national labor and supply shortage, is hoping to…

GROTON, CT—Thanks to generous funding from the Biden Administration, Pfizer Research & Development has announced a vaccine with 98% effectiveness against independent thinking, self-reliance, and general desires for liberty. “Thanks to a…

U.S.—Understaffed and overflowing hospitals are once again facing a covid public health crisis. In response to this surge of patients, some hospitals are now denying healthcare to the vaccinated and boosted. “What we’re seeing right now is…

TORONTO – After you posted that you tested positive for COVID despite barely leaving the house, friends in the comments took the opportunity to advise that they too have been diagnosed with the same infection, despite actually being even…

U.S.—Vaccine manufacturers Pfizer and Moderna have filed a suit for patent infringement against the human immune system. Attorneys involved in the joint filing allege the human immune system not only fights…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The nation's capital was rocked this morning after a new report by Project Veritas revealed that Dr. Fauci, who is the living embodiment of SCIENCE itself, may have lied under oath about engineering deadly coronaviruses in…

NEW YORK—During their monthly shareholder meeting, Pfizer announced that an updated vaccine for the Omicron variant will be ready in time for their Q1 Earnings Report. "We are committed to the longevity of this company," said…