Health

WORLD—According to sources, scientists are no closer to figuring out how 12 ounces of coffee can become 6 gallons of pee within mere hours of enjoying your morning beverage. Scientists who've spent their whole lives researching this…

GENEVA – In a long expected admission by assembled health and safety representatives, citizens of countries across the world have been informed that we are all just going to have to endure regular, periodic outbreaks of Vladimir Putin. “At…

U.S.—According to medical professionals, people turning 35 years of age enter a new phase of life characterized by an endless cycle of dieting and back pain until the merciful release of death. "When we released our findings, everyone over…

CALGARY, AB – A new study from the Centre for Canadian Mental Health and Wellness (CCMHW) found that among Canadians aged 18-35, the near-ubiquitous cause of mental distress was the thing they were depending on to escape that mental…

While Democrats demand new entitlement programs to enhance the affordability of American child care, Republicans are debuting alternative solutions with diverging mechanisms for parental relief. In April last year, Missouri Republican Sen.…

ESCONDIDO, CA—Local man Jack Wylder was urged by his wife to go on a morning walk to get some exercise. He agreed to go on the walk but clarified from the outset that he refused to be happy about it. After taking just a few steps on the…

OTTAWA, ON – The ban on blood donations from men who have had sex with other men within the last three months has been lifted, as was announced earlier today by an oiled-up twink wearing only a chest harness and a jockstrap at the official…

OTTAWA – With mask and vaccine mandates being lifted nationwide, anti-mandate protesters like Chad McCarthy of Red Deer, Alberta, are starting to realize despite their outward hatred, deep down they are actually totally obsessed with…

LOS ANGELES, CA—There aren't a ton of great teachers left in California, but there are definitely a few. Mr. Hammond of Carter Rock Elementary School in the suburbs of Los Angeles hated seeing his kids masked up every day, so he came up…

U.S.—Liberals across the country are concerned about the removal of the mask mandate, seeing viral video after viral video of people cheering on airplanes because they no longer have to wear masks. But their conservative friends, known for…