Health

TORONTO — A landmark study conducted by researchers at the University of Toronto has revealed that your parents’ most cherished activity is telling you about horrifying health scares months after they occurred. “It was something that we’ve…

COLUMBUS, OH—Now this is health-conscious parenting: Maria Walter of Columbus, Ohio told her boy Cody that he wasn't allowed to have any ice cream or candy until he ate all 1200 calories of his McDonald's Quarter Pounder with cheese meal…

REDDING, CA—Local man Terry Cleanmanson wore a surgical mask to Walmart yesterday, not because he was afraid of a deadly pandemic but because he was going to Walmart. "Something happens to the people that go…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Addressing the nation from his dark tower, Dr. Fauci revealed today that he has been forging in secret a master vaccine to rule all the others and cover all the lands in darkness. The "One Vaccine to Rule Them All"…

U.S.—Under the advisement of the CDC and WHO, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases will be replacing all COVID tests with just a coin you flip. "It seems to be about as accurate," confirmed Dr. Anthony Fauci while…

SACRAMENTO, CA—According to sources, parents with kids enrolled in the public school system are now receiving a helpful email each and every time a kid sneezes. School district offices throughout the state are reportedly backlogged with…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House is releasing new details surrounding President Biden’s plan to send free facemasks to every American. In an effort to save time, the free masks will be shipped directly to landfills nationwide. “The…

U.S—Pfizer has reiterated their commitment to the release of a new Omicron vaccine in March, just in time for the twelve people who haven't already gotten sick and recovered. "We intend to save lives," said Derrick Pfizer while meeting with…

MIAMI—Burger King will soon require all employees to show proof of vaccination against Hepatitis A before clocking into work. The popular fast-food chain, burdened in recent months by a national labor and supply shortage, is hoping to…

GROTON, CT—Thanks to generous funding from the Biden Administration, Pfizer Research & Development has announced a vaccine with 98% effectiveness against independent thinking, self-reliance, and general desires for liberty. “Thanks to a…