Browsing Tag

Health

Poll: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Support Tossing Dr. Fauci In A Volcano

admin Dec 29, 2021

Poll: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Support Tossing Dr. Fauci In A Volcano U.S.—According to a poll conducted by the Pew Research Center, Americans' attitudes toward Dr. Fauci are changing. In a sample of 50,000 respondents, 5% of Americans…

Genius Marketing: Common Cold Rebrands As ‘Omicron’ To Generate More Hype

admin Dec 28, 2021

WORLD—In a genius marketing move, the common cold has rebranded itself as ‘Omicron’ to garner some of that sweet coronavirus attention. “I’ll be honest, I was getting kind of jealous,” said the common cold. “At first…

Alarming New Study Finds That Everyone Who Gets COVID Will Die At Some Point

admin Dec 24, 2021

ATLANTA—The CDC has announced the results of an alarming new study: everyone who has ever been infected with COVID-19 will die at some point in their life. "Yes, everyone who gets COVID will die," said a spokesperson for the CDC.…

Oh No! The Ghost Of Christmas Future Just Showed Up And He’s Wearing A Full Hazmat Suit!

admin Dec 24, 2021

Oh No! The Ghost Of Christmas Future Just Showed Up And He's Wearing A Full Hazmat Suit! LONDON—Local banker and evil billionaire Ebenezer Scrooge reported that several ghosts showed up to give him visions of various Christmases this…

Implanted Microchip in Hand May Be Used to Verify COVID-19 Vax Status

admin Dec 22, 2021

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (TND) — Microchip technology invented by Swedish startup company “Epicenter” is now being presented as a possible way to carry around a COVID-19 vaccine passport under a person’s skin, according to a viral video.“Beep boop…

Whew! Local Man Doesn’t Have Real COVID, Just Omicron

admin Dec 21, 2021

BOSTON, MA—After a nail-biting fifteen minutes, local man Rod Brown was blessed to discover that his COVID test came back positive for the Omicron variant—which is nothing more than a gentle case of the sniffles. “I’m so…

“Sure Omicron may be 100% more infectious, but it’s 15% less deadly so everything will be fine,”…

admin Dec 17, 2021

Red Deer, AB – As data comes forward indicating the Omicron variant is twice as infectious as Delta but possibly causes 10-15% less deaths amidst those it infects, local math expert Dalton Linden has done some calculations and determined…

FDA Lets Patients Receive Abortion Pill By Mail After 21-Year Ban

admin Dec 16, 2021

(Forbes) ⁠— The Food and Drug Administration announced Thursday it will permanently end a ban on sending an abortion-inducing medication by mail, making it easier for patients to receive the drug without visiting a clinic.…

California Institutes Mask Mandate To Flatten The Horizontal Line

admin Dec 13, 2021

SACRAMENTO, CA—Amid surging cases of a mild cold called Omicron, California is acting decisively to reinstitute the popular mask mandate. Experts say this should effectively flatten the already completely flat, horizontal line of almost…

Automation: More Doctors Being Replaced By Kiosks That Just Play Pfizer Commercials

admin Dec 13, 2021

Automation: More Doctors Being Replaced By Kiosks That Just Play Pfizer Commercials U.S.—With hospitals facing historic labor shortages, many are automating their workforce by replacing doctors with slick new television kiosks that…

Older Posts

Newer Posts