Health

AUSTIN, TX—According to sources at the Landon household, a batch of brownies being whipped up by Mrs. Heather Landon was completely ruined by the last-minute addition of walnuts. Landon had painstakingly whipped up the dough, or however it…

Experts Warn That If Children Between The Ages Of 5-11 Aren’t Vaccinated Then Pfizer Executives Won’t Get Their Sales Bonuses NEW YORK, NY—Experts are encouraging everyone to get their kids vaccinated, and are predicting dire consequences…

NEW YORK, NY—In a devastating tragedy, a New York doctor botched an abortion procedure earlier this week, causing a healthy, happy baby boy to be born. The doctor had "serious problems" with his technique, according to hospital officials.…

‘Trust Us To Make Health Decisions For You,’ Says Government Health Agency That Can't Define What A Woman Is ATLANTA, GA—The Director of the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention issued a statement Friday reminding US citizens…

Sad: Biden Supporter Doesn’t Realize Nation Already Back To Normal Outside Window ANN ARBOR, MI—Janice Donaldson, thirty-year-old schoolteacher and Don Lemon superfan, forlornly looked out her bedroom window, wondering if the day would ever…

CDC Reminds People To Listen To All Medical Professionals Except For The Tens Of Thousands Who Refused The Vaccine WASHINGTON, D.C.—The CDC today issued a reminder for Americans to trust healthcare professionals when learning about the…

Australian Hospitals Over Capacity With People Beaten By Police For Not Wearing Masks SYDNEY—Australian hospitals are bursting at the seams, having reached their breaking point after being flooded with patients during the pandemic. The…

More Jedi Refusing To Take Vaccine After Rumor It May Decrease Midichlorian Counts CORUSCANT—According to sources within the Coruscant Health Administration (CHA), Jedi knights are increasingly refusing to get vaccinated from a galactic…

U.S.—COVID's approval rating has skyrocketed after briefly interrupting The View this week with a positive test scare. According to a Gallup poll, 96% of Americans now approve of COVID, up from just 2% before The…