Health

Lockdown Deemed A Success As Everyone Is Now So Obese They Can't Fit Out Their Doors U.S.—The lockdowns in the U.S. have been deemed a success at stopping the spread of COVID by public health experts, as Americans are now so obese they…

EDMONTON – As Alberta’s COVID hospitalisations hit a record high, Premier Jason Kenney has decried other provinces for not shouldering their fair share of the ICU load. “This is a ‘have’ province,” Kenney said, in reference to having…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Members of The Association of American Medical Colleges (AAMC) voted this week to make major changes to the Hippocratic Oath for the first time since the 1960’s. Specifically, the Oath for new doctors is being adjusted…

PRINCE ALBERT, SK – 25-year-old mother of two Rebekkah McElroy, once crowned “Lil Miss Horse Princess” in the 2002 Saskatchewan Harvest Fall Festival, has adopted a strict daily regimen of popular horse dewormer Ivermectin to stave off the…

PORTLAND, OR—Local liberal man Patrick Verde wears a mask everywhere, but there's just one problem: nobody can see how smug he looks over his superiority for wearing a mask. "If nobody can see how smug I look, what's the point?" he lamented…

REDMOND, WA—In what many call a “science miracle,” a mask worn by four-year-old Addison Stephens developed a stain that some say looks just like Dr. Anthony Fauci. “I was so surprised when I saw it,” said Delores Stephens, the mother of…

EDMONTON – Following the announcement of strict new measures to combat the out of control spread of COVID-19, Premier Jason Kenney announced he will make it up to Albertans by holding a surprise, fully un-masked Stampede festival next week.…

Silver Spring, MD – The United States Food and Drug Administration has asked American horses to stop taking COVID vaccines to treat their worm infestations. “There is no evidence that COVID vaccines treat parasite infections in horses,”…

CALGARY – According to eyewitnesses, a group of anti-vaccine mandate protestors outside of the Foothills Medical Centre appear thoroughly confused as to where or even how Canada passes laws. Reports indicate the group of anti vaccine…

GRANADA HILLS, CA—In a tragedy that's becoming all too common among millennial women, local wife and mother of three Destiny Madur sadly passed away after she only managed to drink seven and a half glasses of water instead of the…