Health

ATLANTA – More than fifteen months into the global COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has announced that children returning to in-person learning can finally take off their facemasks, and immediately replace…

LAVAL, QC – Hugo Drujon, age 50, has been eligible for weeks to receive a vaccination but has been holding out in an effort to avoid the inevitable offers of hugs at work that will come once COVID restrictions are lifted. “I have…

TORONTO – As the percentage of Ontarians receiving their second dose increases dramatically, researchers are hailing the event as the first ever government run health campaign to succeed despite the government’s best efforts. “Thanks to…

OTTAWA – In a controversial decision, the Canadian Plants Council has reclassified beans, from Magical Fruit to common legume. “We all know the saying,” said Monica Lee, the President of the Council. “Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the…

For Pride Month, Taco Bell To Continue Giving Explosive Diarrhea To All Genders And Orientations U.S.—Taco Bell, a beloved chain of authentic Mexican food restaurants around the world, has announced they will be honoring Pride Month by…

The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) is demanding U.S. airlines submit plans with updated weight averages they will use for passengers and baggage moving forward by Saturday. According to the Wall Street Journal, “Airlines officials…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As COVID vaccine delivery continues to decline nationwide, Republican leaders have proposed a radical solution: a vaccination-by-mail program to cover all Americans. “Since voting by mail went so smoothly last year, we…

SAVANNAH, GA—Completely oblivious of the implications of her body’s positioning, Rebecca Branagan, 30, reportedly began a lifetime of chronic knee pain by sitting awkwardly for two minutes Tuesday. According to sources, Branagan’s slight…

EDMONTON – Because the COVID vaccine generally causes soreness in the arm it’s injected into, Dr. Alex Hall has been advising Canadians to get it in their non-masturbation arm. “Many Canadians are still in lockdown and isolated from their…