Health

COLUMBUS, OH—Stressing that the powerful jet of red fluid emitting from her genitals was nothing to be embarrassed about, local mother Stephanie Reese assured her daughter Friday that it was perfectly natural to spray a geyser of period…

ATLANTA – In an effort to counter the high numbers of vaccine skeptics in the nation, the CDC has recently announced that they will be hiding doses in peanut butter. “We’ve kind of abandoned any hope of convincing these people using…

CHICAGO, IL—According to sources, local man Reiley Voodles recently received his second dose of the Moderna vaccine. After a tearful celebration and many vaccine selfies, Voodles treated himself by licking his very first doorknob…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A spokesman for the FDA announced Friday that it was lifting the pause on the Johnson and Johnson COVID vaccine after the company reformulated the product into a trademarked No More Clots™ formula. Shares of the company…

MONTREAL — Local punk and professional optometrist Riley “Pinkeye” Abraham tested a patient’s eyesight this morning by asking her to read the bottom line of a PUNTER FEST poster, sources report. “I could get the top of the poster, no…

GEORGIAN BAY, ON – Stacey Amber, a woman who has told you on many occasions without provocation she “doesn’t get gender pronouns” has requested you use “vaccine-hesitant” when addressing her. “It’s really about respecting and creating a…

Study Finds Anyone Still Wearing A Mask At This Point Is Probably Just Super Ugly U.S.—A new study found that anyone still wearing a mask at this point is probably just super ugly. The study looked at thousands of Americans still wearing…

New Young Earth Creationist Nuggets Feature Dinos And Humans Living Together Peacefully PETERSBURG, KY—Ken Ham of Answers in Genesis announced today a new line of frozen meals: chicken dinos with humans living alongside them for the sake of…

ETOBICOKE, ON – After coming into contact with a coworker who tested positive for COVID-19, Premier Doug Ford is reportedly “hugely relieved” to have paid sick days to isolate at home, as per Ontario Health guidelines. “Man, I don’t know…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—During an interview Tuesday, Dr. Anthony Fauci called the Bill of Rights in our Constitution a "public health crisis." Along with climate change, racial injustice, and student loans, the Bill of Rights should be declared a…