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Start SlideshowTest your fornication knowledge to see if you can pass a sexual education quiz in post-Roe America.AdvertisementPrevious SlideNext SlideQ: The average woman should be giving birth _____ times per year.Q: The average woman…

The U.S. General has declared loneliness a public health endemic, saying widespread loneliness in the U.S. poses health risks as deadly as smoking a dozen cigarettes a day and costs the health industry billions of dollars annually. What do…

Mounting shortages of medications like the ADHD treatment Adderall and the diabetes and weight-loss drug Ozempic have caused anxiety among patients who rely on them, with experts attributing the scarcity to multiple factors. The Onion tells…

PORT HURON, MI—Seizing the curative pharmaceuticals at a border checkpoint, federal officials confirmed Thursday that they had intercepted 500 kilograms of lifesaving medication at the U.S. border. “Thanks to the brave work of our agents on…

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Declaring that Americans have become more disconnected than ever before, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy tearfully warned of a national loneliness epidemic from an empty D.C.-area Chuck E. Cheese table, sources…

LA CROSSE, WI—In a formidable display of her newly acquired knowledge, local School of the Art Institute of Chicago freshman Laura Sellers excitedly told her parents all about the color blue when she was back home for a visit Thursday. “So,…

NEW YORK—Guaranteeing their weight-loss program would deliver permanent results, Noom officials announced Thursday they would issue a full refund to any new customers who failed to develop a full-fledged eating disorder in two months. “Noom…

Medical experts at Moderna say they are confident that groundbreaking new vaccines for cancer, cardiovascular and autoimmune diseases, and other conditions will be ready by 2030 due to cutting-edge research into developing personalized mRNA…

LARAMIE, WY—Waking up from his third nap of the day in a cold sweat, local infant Justin Washington confirmed Tuesday that he was continually experiencing an unsettling recurring nightmare where his mouth was full of teeth. “It’s wild—it’s…

PLAINS, GA—Calling the move a solid investment in his future, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, announced Thursday that he had enrolled in a two-year program at an Atlanta technical college that would allow him to become a dental…