Heaven

When I was a little girl, I hoped Jesus wouldn’t return for a while. At least not until after I could drive. And graduate. And get married. And have babies. Life was too good to want anything cut short. I wanted salvation from hell — but…

During Lent, Christians around the world make all kinds of sacrifices big and small to separate themselves from the things of the world and get closer to God, often following the format of alms, prayer, and fasting as found in Jesus’…

THE HEAVENS—In a statement addressed to individuals at risk of having their access to life on earth permanently revoked, God, the Almighty Creator, confirmed Monday that He would soon delete millions of humans due to inactivity. “To my dear…

On Monday, the United States will experience the totality, a full solar eclipse that will move from Mexico into Texas before crossing 14 states and exiting into Canada. Though we previously had a total eclipse in 2017, we will not get…

THE HEAVENS—Emphasizing His Eternal Kingdom’s infinite supply of prime real estate “just waiting to be developed,” the Lord God Almighty announced plans Monday to bulldoze heaven and build luxury condominiums. “Soon we will begin demolition…

THE HEAVENS—Mumbling the words “Why hast thou forsaken me?” as He thrashed about in His bed shortly after midnight Thursday, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, reportedly woke up in a cold sweat after yet another nightmare that He had…

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WASHINGTON—As he transitioned from an anecdote about how his personal faith had allowed him to overcome many hardships in life, President Joe Biden casually mentioned during the National Prayer Breakfast Thursday that he had been to heaven…

HEAVEN – With news breaking that Gilbert Gottfried has passed away, Heaven has announced the beloved comedian has joined his departed friends Bob Saget and Norm MacDonald in the Comedy Central Roast of God. “Oh my God! Or should I say ‘Oh…

HEAVEN – After years of speculation from fans, God announced today the highly anticipated Golden Girls reunion special is now available for subscribers of Heaven. “We’ve been wanting to do this for some time now,” said The Almighty from his…