Hell

For those who remember the crisp fall morning of Sept. 11, 2001, how by 10:03 a.m. the day turned to Hell, and how we watched the brutal, televised murders of 2,977 people, the atrocities are seared into our memories. A…

DAYTON, OH—Inadvertently breaching the boundary to the underworld because he didn’t want to shell out hard-earned money, local dad Curtis Morgan reportedly opened up the gates of hell Wednesday while attempting to fix the kitchen sink…

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WINNETKA, IL—Describing a conversation that took place at a family gathering Friday, relatives of local conservative man Dennis Sherman told reporters it was obvious the 57-year-old’s terrifying descriptions of Chicago had come directly…

TUCSON, AZ—In preparation for the blazing agony on the horizon, more U.S. residents are moving to the Sun Belt to get a head start on living in a scorched hellscape, according to a new study released Friday by researchers at the University…

Police face an incredibly difficult task in maintaining order in a barbaric hellscape like America, and journalistic ethics require news sources like The Onion to report the truth accurately from the officers’ perspective. Amid ongoing…

FLINT, MI—Calling the dispatches a great way for students to learn what the institution’s former attendees have accomplished since graduation, sources confirmed Tuesday that the Powers Catholic High School’s newsletter provides updates on…

TORONTO – Marie Klein, 22, found herself unwittingly calling forth a devil from the deepest Hells while going about her usual self-confidence building ritual. On the advice of a self-help book she found inside a burnt down church, Klein now…

THE AFTERLIFE – Former U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who died today at the age of 88, will reportedly get his long-awaited chance to confront deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein as the two are set to be reunited in Hell’s…

ETERNAL FLAMING REALM OF HELL – Having recently passed away from lung cancer, Rush Limbaugh, upon arriving in Satan’s land of eternal punishment, immediately lambasted the Prince of Darkness for his “liberal bias.” “The fact that this…