hockey

MIAMI, FLORIDA – After an intensely violent hockey match, the Florida Panthers have formed a line to shake hands and assure their opponents, the Carolina Hurricanes, that they feel no resentment after hours spent roughhousing, fighting, and…

HAMILTON, ON – Researchers are sounding alarm bells about the NHL Hockey Challenge on the Tim Hortons app, claiming the in-app fantasy hockey game is a ‘gateway’ that can lead users to drink the highly addictive and destructive beverage…

TORONTO – A frustrated Maple Leafs fan threw their jersey onto the ice during a crushing 6-1 playoff defeat to the Florida Panthers, which the Leafs promptly allowed to slide past them and into their own net. “And that’s another goal…

TORONTO – In the wake of the Leafs discovering a new playoff performance low point even lower than their previous playoff lowpoints, fan Martin Scheffel advised that he takes comfort in the fact that one day the Leafs won’t be able to cause…

VANCOUVER – Just days after appointing MP Don Davies as their interim leader, the federal NDP have announced that the role will be permanently filled by Vancouver Canucks former head coach Rick Tocchet. With the New Democratic Party’s…

OTTAWA – After rescheduling tonight’s French language leaders debate to accommodate a Montreal Canadiens playoff game, Elections Canada has announced that the entire federal election will be postponed, at least until every Canadian team is…

TORONTO – One week after signing a 12 year deal for NHL broadcasting rights that cost twice as much as their last deal, Rogers CEO Tony Staffieri said the deal is an investment in the company’s ability to force Canadians to continue to…

NEW YORK CITY – Alexander Ovechkin has scored his 895th career goal, surpassing Wayne Gretzky’s record and making him first all-time among NHL superstars with terrible personal politics. Ovechkin, a man who’s repeatedly expressed…

TORONTO – According to sources embedded in your fantasy hockey pool, the player who goes by a crude double entendre is on the verge of issuing you such a humiliating defeat that you’ll lose all interest in ever playing again. “I watch two…

BOSTON – After explicitly praising Donald Trump’s support of their team and even hoping they can “win for him” U.S. hockey players discovered what Ted Cruz and numerous other politicians discovered years ago: aligning yourself with Trump…