Holidays

MINNEAPOLIS—Looking glumly at the mess of candies and royal icing, local 44-year-old Anthony Renton told reporters Thursday that building a shitty gingerbread house was just making his depression worse. “Nothing will stick—the…

TORONTO – The Hallmark Channel announced a new movie airing this month that has raised some eyebrows. As part of its holiday programming and in an effort to court more viewers, the Hallmark Channel will air “I Fucked My Christmas Tree”,…

WATERLOO, ON ― With the GST break coming into effect, petty, irate, and aptly-named 46-year-old woman Karen Thorpe recently castigated a teenaged cashier for blaspheming against the Lord by using the inclusive term ‘tax holiday.’ “This is a…

Christmas, in the eyes of a child, is a grand affair. Children get to eat seemingly unlimited sweets, watch movies, and — most importantly to many of them — open presents. It’s easy to feel pressure to provide oodles of pretty packages with…

Americans all across the nation are gathering today to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for? “That Moldova doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the U.S.” Bruce Sipiora, Ceramic Patcher “I’m…

God gives secular blessings. The right just got some. Contra the buffoons at NPR, Thanksgiving is not a secular holiday. Nevertheless, God’s blessings do touch the worldly here and now. This season, it is only right to reflect on what…

Brandon, Manitoba – Robert Jones is praying for a miracle as the Canada Post strike enters its second week – the miracle of postal workers putting down their picket signs, shutting the fuck up, and getting back to work. “Postal workers…

Because we strictly limit their screen time, my children are voracious book readers. Reading aloud is also one of the ways to build a family culture around discussion, ideas, shared stories, and connection. This year during Advent and…

TORONTO – As shopping malls and grocery stores switch to Christmas music and eager neighbours begin putting up decorations, local accountant Thomas Muncy has told reporters that he’s ejaculating even earlier than usual this year. …

TORONTO – When local man Peter Vidal decided to have “just one bag” of the Halloween chips he purchased for trick-or-treaters, he was shocked to discover that it contained only air. “I was expecting the usual 4 or 5 chips, but there was…