Holidays

OTTAWA — Pausing briefly during the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne, Canada’s dads reaffirmed their commitment to see the various people in their lives next year while loudly snickering to themselves. Donning 2023-shaped glasses, fathers spanning…

ST. JOHNS, NF- Local father of 3 Jake O’Leary confirmed speculation that getting the turkey ready for Christmas dinner is by far the most arousing activity he has done in roughly seven years. “It’s not something I’d like to admit, but I…

OTTAWA – A national report was released stating that Canadian grandchildren are ecstatic at the possibility of greeting grandma this holiday season, by accidentally kissing her on the lips. “Like, it’s the best part of the holidays!,”…

OTTAWA – Keeping an impressive streak of consecutive years alive, society has once again noticed the existence of Hannukah solely due to its proximity to Christmas. “It’s so nice to see that they’ve decided to keep their holiday so close to…

FREDERICTON, NB – Local barista Maya Reilly snuffed out the Christmas spirit last Saturday when she mistook her friend’s sweater as being part of the annual Ugly Sweater competition at their holiday party. The friend in question, Priya…

Across cultures, people have sought to flee oppression and escape persecution from the beginning of recorded history. A recurring theme in Western classical literature and in modern classics such as Superman and Disney originals, which…

A favorite Christmas ritual of my family is the English tradition of holiday poppers, also called “Christmas crackers.” These simple place-setting adornments make mealtimes more festive and add an element of extra conviviality and childlike…

NORTH POLE – Following weeks of speculation, two members of Santa’s prestigious team of reindeer have announced they are planning temporary resignation in order to undertake military service. The team’s manager Squirt McQuargle confirmed…

EDMONTON — Melissa Soares, frustrated with the sub-optimal aspects of her rabbit vibrator, has evicted it from her night-stand, exiling it to the Island of Misfit Sex Toys. “The gals on Sex and the City sure made some extravagant…

St. Catharines, ON – In a groundbreaking study by Brock University, researchers have identified the long-awaited cure for seasonal depression: the sweet, sweet satisfaction of gliding a sharp pair of scissors across a roll of holiday…