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WASHINGTON—Requesting something useless and disposable that wouldn’t break the bank, the American populace announced Friday that it just wanted a shitty version that didn’t last long for cheap. “We definitely would like to have one of those…

“Well… Oh God, I can’t do this. Rosario, if you’re seeing this, I miss you so much. Give me another chance—I’ll do better. I’ll take my pants all the way off when we make love, rather than pulling them up even higher. We don’t have to eat…

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Worrying about whether the relative stranger sharing her table for two would judge her for it, local woman Sarah Dougherty is said to have wondered Thursday if a first date was too soon to be taking home leftovers. “This is…

Sometimes, dreams do come true. Not this time, though. Buy this mediocre home and then imagine you live somewhere much, much better. Back deck with light wood rot an ideal place to fantasize about a superior domicile.Congress Approves Empty…

Without its members knowing, the Daughters of the American Revolution opened the door to male membership. Women founded the service organization in 1890, have governed it ever since, and have dedicated themselves to millions of hours…

JERSEY CITY, NJ—Urging employees to refrain from touching any of the items that had been neatly arranged in the wicker basket, local company Green Innovation clarified to employees Wednesday that the feminine hygiene products located in the…

We’ve all seen those articles calculating what a mother would earn on the free market. No matter how high they estimate a wage for motherhood and homemaking, we all know it’s ridiculous. There is no price we can put on late-night feedings,…

LOS ANGELES—Maintaining that the suspects were clearly trespassing on city property, the Los Angeles Police Department arrested dozens of homeless residents found squatting in a shelter Thursday. “Today, the LAPD received multiple tips…

BETHESDA, MD—Citing new data on the appliance’s hidden hazards, a statement released Wednesday by the Consumer Product Safety Commission warned that gas stoves could be slowly ingratiating themselves into American households in order to…

SASKATOON — Local plants Natalie and William expressed their horror at having to reside on a structure surrounded by the corpses of their relatives, which have been dried, mulched, flattened, bound, and imprinted with line after line of…