human interest

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WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the nation’s astonishing athletic abilities, the Pew Research Center released a new study Friday finding that the majority of Americans could jump the parking meter if their bum knees weren’t acting up.…

AT&T confirmed hackers had posted data from 73 million current and former customers to the dark web, making public names, addresses, phone numbers, dates of birth, and social security numbers. The Onion looks at the key facts and…

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Speaking before a crowd of loyal supporters, former President Donald Trump warned Tuesday that electric vehicles were raping and murdering American citizens. “You go to one of these charging ports, and they’ll just have their…

HUDSON, NY—Saying that the woman was getting to the age where she could no longer afford to be so picky, local matchmaker Cassidy Williamson asked one of her clients Monday if she’d be open to dating outside her species. “So, you have a lot…

Following the surge in platforms offering anti-vaxxers the opportunity to find love with like-minded individuals, The Onion examines the best bios from dating apps for the unvaccinated. Read more... The Onion

In Paris, 200 servers dressed in their uniforms and carrying trays with a croissant, a cup of coffee, and a glass of water competed in La Course Des Cafés, a race first run in 1914, for the title of fastest waiter. What do you think?“It’s…

WASHINGTON—Saying their numbers had been blocked so showing up unannounced was their only option, several concerned sources confirmed this week that the nation’s ex-boyfriends were drunk as hell. “Babe, please, I promise I didn’t mean…

LOS ANGELES—Fueling rumors that the 49-year-old star was finally settling down, Leonardo DiCaprio was spotted with girlfriend Vittoria Ceretti on Thursday as she flaunted a new nondisclosure agreement. “Oh, man, you can tell he spent a lot…

CHICAGO—Pleading with animal rescue authorities as they wrestled him into the back of a van, local pit bull mix Pistol stated Wednesday that he likes fighting for money. “But I’m so good at it—please!” said Pistol, who reportedly panicked…