human interest

WASHINGTON—Lamenting the fact that they’ll be paying off those fuckers for the rest of their lives, the nation’s uncles reported, “That shit adds up quickly,” in an announcement Tuesday. “I’m telling you, these guys will go on and on about…

LOS ANGELES—With a single artist dominating in nearly every category, last night’s 66th Annual Grammy Awards were once again swept by an old man in a rocking chair who whistled and slapped his knee. Whistlin’ Jesco, a blind man who…

Start SlideshowWhile there are obvious red flags such as being a man who is weak, inadequate, or a good listener, The Onion provides a helpful guide to signs that you probably are a beta male.AdvertisementPrevious SlideNext SlideUnder…

WAITSFIELD, VT—Feeling like a failure upon realizing that he had never even been to space, local 38-year-old Mike Arroyo told reporters Monday that he assumed he would have settled down on a distant monster-filled planet by now. “I dunno, I…

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Start SlideshowAdvertisementPrevious SlideNext SlideAdvertisementPrevious SlideNext SlideAdvertisementPrevious SlideNext SlideThis Week's Most Viral News: February 2, 2024OffEnglishAdvertisementPrevious SlideNext SlideTriumphant Biden…

Start SlideshowPublic shaming of individuals over minor or major social transgressions has grown into a massive component of internet discourse, with its share of supporters and detractors. The Onion takes a deep dive into the effects of…

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Saying the event would mark a pivotal moment in the years-long conservative psyop, liberal conspiracy theorists claimed Friday that Kid Rock would endorse Donald Trump for president at this year’s Daytona 500. “Calling it…

Start Slideshow“Quiet quitting” is the new buzzword sweeping workplaces across the country, although the issues it really reflects can be confusing. The Onion answers common questions about the “quiet quitting”…

Andy Reid: “Hold on, I’ve got this. It’s a 12-way tie between the burger at Cosmo Burger, the burger at Waldo Café, the burger at Grand Street Lenexa, the burger at McDonald’s, the burger at Burger King, the burger at Danny’s Burger Shack,…