human interest

Three giant pandas departed the Smithsonian National Zoo in Washington, D.C. back to China, an indication of colder ties between the two nations and marking the end of more than 50 years of Chinese pandas being housed at the zoo. What do…

QUEENS, NY—Emerging from the darkness in a dramatic act of menace, New York Mayor Eric Adams was reportedly already sitting in a turnstile jumper’s apartment Friday when she entered her living room and turned on the light. “Ah, yes, I’ve…

A Hungarian study has found “a direct association between celebrity worship and poorer performance on cognitive tests,” with data showing high scores on the Celebrity Attitude Scale correlating with lower performance on the two cognitive…

This week, Elon Musk introduced a beta version of an artificially intelligent chatbot named “Grok” for some verified users of X, formerly known as Twitter. The Onion sat down for a conversation with the new AI, which was reportedly designed…

WASHINGTON—With shards of glass flying as the 2-year-old German shepherd crashed through a window, White House staff reportedly panicked Wednesday after an apparently unstoppable Commander Biden burst without warning into the Oval Office.…

BOULDER, CO—Despite having seen the parade of images in her feed whenever she logs on, local lesbian Marissa Hodges, 36, reportedly remained unaware Tuesday that her straight friend Lydia Galloway had been posting about actress Kristen…

In a recently surfaced video from 2022, House Speaker Mike Johnson reveals that he and his son use anti-porn software to monitor and eliminate each other’s temptations to view erotica and sexually explicit material. The Onion asked porn…

LONG ISLAND, NY—Decrying the stigma the film attached to a once-beloved species of fish, experts at the Coastal Research and Education Society released a report Tuesday blaming the 1975 blockbuster Jaws for transforming the public’s…

DAVIS, CA—Calling it the leading threat to the longevity of heterosexual relationships, psychologists at the University of California, Davis, told reporters Tuesday an overwhelming majority of intimate partnerships fall apart the moment a…

Aside from killing monkeys and destroying Twitter, Elon Musk has also had his sights set on something else: building Tesla’s futuristic Cybertruck. The Onion asked Musk’s fans why they want to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a Blade…