human interest

BOSTON—Verbally confronting the seasonal gourd before becoming physical, local boyfriend Trevor Landis reportedly punched a jack-o’-lantern Thursday for smiling at his girlfriend. “What the hell do you think you’re doing—can’t you see she’s…

EVANSTON, IL—Tossing and turning to no avail, local man Sam King was seen squirming around Thursday as his wife placed him in a Halloween costume against his will. “Be a big boy and put it on,” wife Bridget King said as she tried to wrestle…

Start SlideshowCarving jack-o’-lanterns from pumpkins is one of the most fun and rewarding Halloween activities. The Onion offers tips for pumpkin carving that will make your jack-o’-lantern the envy of the…

LOS ANGELES—In a stirring message of solidarity with the message-writing format, over 350 celebrities reportedly joined together Wednesday to sign a letter declaring that they were signing a letter. “We, the undersigned, declare that we are…

“I know it’s hard to understand, but the most intimate relationship I’ve had in my life is with my diesel truck, so when a technology came along that made it possible for her to communicate with me and to express her emotions, of course I…

KANSAS CITY, MO—In an effort to rally his teammates, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly delivered an inspiring halftime speech Sunday about what sex with Taylor Swift was like. “We were all sitting there feeling weary, and…

NEW YORK—Slurring his words as he made an impassioned argument about why he was the right man for the job, local drunk man Greg Adams reportedly approached a bucket drummer Friday and begged for the opportunity to act as his manager.…

Start SlideshowAfter a year filled with high-profile drama surrounding her marriage, Jada Pinkett Smith’s first memoir was published on Oct. 17. Here are the biggest reveals from the movie star’s new book,…

Britney Spears recounts in a forthcoming memoir that she had an abortion to end a pregnancy by fellow pop star Justin Timberlake while the two were dating in the late 1990s and early 2000s. What do you think?“Wow, I guess her life hasn’t…

PORTLAND, OR—Midway through a session in which she allegedly channeled the spirit of a departed loved one, local psychic Esme “The Prophetess” Sherwood informed her client Tuesday that her dead mother was saying some pretty boilerplate…