human interest

SAN FRANCISCO—In one of the biggest funding rounds so far this year, Harvard Business School graduate Josh Paulsen reportedly raised over $300 million from angel investors Tuesday with a drawing of a flying dog. “He came into my office,…

UTICA, NY—Nearly maintaining the moral standard from sunup to sundown, local hero Nathan Cessner reportedly made it almost an entire day this week without molesting a child. “I think he and his ability to not sexually assault minors for a…

CHICAGO—Telling the 43-year-old that his condition had simply made him impossible to be around, friends and family reportedly abandoned local man Jonathan Clarke one by one Tuesday after they discovered he was balding. “It’s just too…

A man in Nebraska was pulled over for driving down a highway in a compact car with a massive Watusi bull named Howdy Doody sitting in the passenger seat. What do you think?“I’m glad Howdy Doody was responsible and called a designated…

CINCINNATI—Admitting that he had an avoidant personality that often left him closed off to new possibilities, local man Stanley Fox reportedly stepped out of his comfort zone Friday by flashing his penis to diners at popular restaurant…

GEORGETOWN, KY—Saying that he would get the hang of riding it eventually, an amateur equestrian was reportedly spotted Friday still having to use a horse with training legs. “Aw, poor guy, he looks so nervous up there,” said onlooker Justin…

Start SlideshowAfter a second incident in which the Kentucky senator froze up during a press conference, The Onion asked Americans to explain why Mitch McConnell should step down, and this is what they said.AdvertisementPrevious SlideNext…

GREENVILLE, SC—Amid raucous, uproarious applause at the end of a stump speech, presidential hopeful Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) was seen Thursday beckoning to a campaign rally attendee whom he wanted to bring backstage to fuck. “Why don’t you…

As part of his war on “woke,” Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida is attempting to ban diversity training in the workplace with HB 7, a law passed by the state legislature that is being challenged in federal court on First Amendment grounds. Could…

“Well, the big thing is if you expect Elvis to be in here in his signature black-and-white-striped jumpsuit singing ‘Jailhouse Rock’ 24/7, you’re in for a disappointment. He’s only around, like, once every few months, and then sometimes on…