human interest

COLUMBUS, OH—Slurring their words while issuing a barrage of loud complaints, coworkers of local brown-nosing employee Kathleen Morris told reporters Wednesday that she never showed up drunk to meetings. “That absolute kiss-ass has never…

TAMPA, FL—In an effort to squeeze in all their usual activities during their annual visit to Tampa Bay, 43-year-old Ron Ortega told reporters Tuesday he had scheduled family fights into this year’s vacation itinerary. “We’re going to be…

WESTFORD, MA—Noting that he had been letting his ideas percolate for the past few years, local man August Morris wrote Tuesday on Instagram, “Hey, I know I haven’t posted any new music in a while,” in what was said to be the most…

X, the site formerly known as Twitter, is now letting its Blue subscribers hide the once-coveted verification “blue check”—the status symbol they pay $8 a month for—on their account. What do you think?“All the best goods and servicesare…

AUSTIN, TX—Claiming he would be totally free to come out once the party died down, local man Dan Gorski informed his wealthier friends Monday that he would love to meet up after everyone was done having fun. “If you’re still hanging out…

Start SlideshowWhile alphas are characterized as dominant, hypermasculine men who always lead the pack, the one person they will always follow is podcaster Joe Rogan. The Onion asked alphas why they love Rogan, and this is what they…

HENDERSON, NV—Launching into careful step-by-step directions regarding care for her pets, local woman Bianca Williamson reportedly instructed cat-sitter Emily Pacana this week on how to overfeed her cats. “It’s pretty simple—in the morning,…

CHICAGO—Confirming that the joy and sheer, reckless rapture they experienced would always be just out of reach, a new report published Monday revealed that you would never find a love like that shared by two teens riding the same electric…

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ABILENE, TX—Swaying as he put his arm around the machine, local drunk man Todd Bondy reportedly attempted Friday to talk some sense into a mechanical bull. “Hey man, be cool—no reason to freak out,” said Bondy, slurring his words as he…