human interest

DURHAM, NC—Growing increasingly desperate as she progressed further and further down the store aisle, local woman Chelsea Paxton was reportedly struggling to find a Father’s Day card Friday that didn’t use the word “love.” “This one just…

DENVER—Realizing he could still make something of himself and even attain social prominence, local man Paul Aleman reportedly took solace Tueday in the fact that the person with the longest documented lifespan, the late Jeanne Calment of…

Graduation season is upon us, and anyone who’s sat through one of those fucking interminable things knows that graduation speeches can make or break an event. The Onion offers tips for writing a memorable graduation…

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Browsing for something that was both classy and versatile, local man Ron Schneider was shopping for a bowling shoe Thursday that could also be worn to funerals and weddings. “I don’t want to have a closet full of shoes, but I…

“Okay, I’ll tell you what it was like growing up in the industry, but you can’t publish this in the slideshow, okay? I’m serious. This is on deep cover. There are powerful people in Hollywood and I don’t want to shake that hornet’s nest…

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have announced the birth of their second child, a daughter named Lilibet “Lili” Diana as a tribute to both Queen Elizabeth II and Princess Diana. What do you think?“I mostly follow the Saudi royal family.”Russ…

A Dallas high school valedictorian went off-script from her pre-approved graduation speech to protest the state’s new law banning abortions after six weeks of pregnancy and making no exceptions for rape or incest. What do you think?“The…

SAN FRANCISCO—Failing to realize he had overbooked his short business trip to the Bay Area until it was far too late, local man Thomas Keeler managed to squeeze in a hangout Tuesday with his least important friend from 2:30 to 3:15 p.m.…

Make sure you come up with responses before the interview. For example, if the interviewer asks, “Where did you work before this?” you could respond “Fuck you, boss man!” And if he were to ask, “What do you envision yourself doing here?”…

While mason jars and metal straws may seem like a hot internet trend, there’s actually a larger movement of everyday people trying to eliminate waste from their lives entirely. You asked The Onion your most pressing questions about living a…