human sexuality

MISSOULA, MT—Bringing significant attention to the fact that the person who gave birth to you has carnal needs and desires just like anyone else, a report released inside your head Tuesday confirmed that your mother is a sexual creature.…

Start SlideshowTake this quiz to see if you have the knowledge and skills required to sexually pleasure a woman. AdvertisementPrevious SlideNext SlideQ: Which of these women deserve to feel pleasure? Q: Which of these women deserve to feel…

Start SlideshowAfter attempts to ban abortion, birth control, and IVF, some people think the next conservative target will be sexual intercourse outside of marriage. The Onion asked conservatives why casual sex should be illegal, and this…

Start SlideshowWhile many believe the words “child” and “marriage” should never appear next to each other, for others, child marriage is the dream. The Onion asked men to explain why age of consent laws are too strict, and this is what they…

LOS ANGELES—Mumbling “It’s way too early for this” under his breath, local man Ron Myers confirmed Friday that he was just going to roll over and pretend he didn’t see the horse head in his bed for five more minutes. “Nope,” said Myers, who…

WASHINGTON—Admitting that some types of physiques were simply too disgusting to accept, Americans across the country announced Thursday that they drew the line on body positivity at men with oddly small nipples. “While we support people of…

WASHINGTON—Spreading the word ahead of time so that Americans wouldn’t be caught off guard, President Joe Biden announced that all of the nation’s vibrators would buzz at 2 p.m. today in a test of the Emergency Stimulation Program. “This…

The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled in favor of a Catholic school that terminated an unmarried pregnant teacher for having premarital sex, saying religious entities can use religious tenets as exceptions to state employment law. What do you…

NEW YORK—Confirming decades of speculation about the Hollywood icon’s behavior, a report released Thursday found that Tom Cruise’s orgasms look and sound exactly how you’d imagine them. “Our findings confirm that if you think—as many of us…

EDMOND, OK—Explaining how he doesn’t want his newfound abstinence to infringe on their having a good time, Doug Chandler, a recovering sex addict, assured his group of friends at a party Friday that they can still fuck around him. “You guys…