humanactivities

WASHINGTON—Asserting that they had never indicated that such behavior was remotely acceptable, the nation’s gyms released a joint statement Thursday announcing that they weren’t sure where people got the idea they were allowed to be naked…

AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to streamline the job search process, employment website Indeed reportedly launched a new feature Monday allowing users to sort its listings by the amount of exploitation. “Finding the perfect career match has never…

OKLAHOMA CITY—Explaining that its long affiliation with evangelical Christianity had come to an end, retail company Hobby Lobby announced Monday that it was Muslim now. “After many years of self-reflection, we have seen the light of the…

MIAMI—Insisting that the patron had done such a good job that he deserved a reward, bathroom attendant Ron Carlton reportedly offered a 39-year-old customer a sticker at the Fitzmorris Steakhouse Friday for using the potty all on his own.…

LEE’S SUMMIT, MO—Expressing concern over the youngster’s suspiciously sparse work history and total lack of professional references, local factory manager Toby Walters asked a 12-year-old job applicant Tuesday to explain a 12-year…

WASHINGTON—Following weeks of closer scrutiny into objects entering U.S. airspace, Pentagon officials announced Tuesday that they’d successfully shot down a kid jumping too high on a trampoline. “The airborne object spotted about nine feet…

With a group of Republicans holding out against the candidacy of Rep. Kevin McCarthy, the election of a new House speaker has hit a stalemate, and the House cannot begin business until a speaker is chosen. The Onion takes a step-by-step…